Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Same old story

Rewritten over and over the same old story,
why does pain always come before glory?
I can't see my heads all cloudy and my mouths all stuffy.

Planning it piece by piece,
breaking down slowly, but im savoring the sweet,
completly misunderstood by all means please,
leave me lonely disease over powering,
problems? probably,
lost in my dreams,
one member standing, they all left the team,
you can pretend to befriend me, but the lies I already see,
so im no longer recommending my bitter words of plea.

Questions asked like what are you doing with life?
I know the answer cleary, but is the clear answer right?

Breathing in fresh life, breathing out the pain
thoughts all jammed together like playing a hockey game
a path set out in front of me, but im walking the other way
I knew you was a faliure thats what the inner me would say.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

love
I know the answer cleary, but is the clear answer right?

Some very important punctuation needed here-
I can't see my heads all cloudy and my mouths all stuffy. [head's mouth's]
completly misunderstood by all means please, [completely]
so im no longer recommending my bitter words of plea. [I'm plea? is that the word you want here?]

Really enjoying your work.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Quite a lot of confusion here that could be cleared with the right punctuation. As for the line he quoted, he beat me to it. I was going to point it out as my favorite. That's a line with meat on it. But think about punctuation. It wouldn't hurt to run your spell check over your poems either, so you can grab the typos. I think there was only one and that is "completely".
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Wes and I both missed the typo in our favourite line
I know the answer cleary, but is the clear answer right? [clearly]
Spell checker didn't pick it up and it's not a real word. Just goes to show.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

... this still happens to me from time to time. I've have parts of the big poem that I have edited numerous times over seven years (years kids, years) and I STILL find misspelled words. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.