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A Sailor's Farewell

A Sailor's Farewell

At harbor’s entrance, Little Maid,
you waited long, till I arrived
from dankness of a seaman’s crypt;
In death my final thoughts survived.

And here, among the cry of gulls,
the sound of chugging engines’ noise
that's carried on the North Sea’s winds--
you sense my disembodied voice:

My Dear, your tears are like the pearls
from oysters in this deadly sea--
though yours sprung from two saddened eyes
that at our parting cried for me.

Again your sorrow’s salty gems
must flow; they are quite void of flaws.
I long to kiss them from your cheeks--
ill fate had been their cruel cause.

Upon this fallen sailor’s grave
no farewell rose can ever bloom;
let gentler waves now soothe my sleep,
your pearly tears enhance my tomb.
`````````````````````````````````

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thanks, Tonya for inspiring me to post my yarn. My Little Maid might be Copenhagen's Little Mermaid or the girl my relative had left behind.at the sea battle of Skagerrak during WWI.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think this is a gem, loved the last verse. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Thank you for the nice comment, Roscoe. My regards to you as well. Jerry

author comment

like this one! It flowed well from the beginning right up until the next to last verse, but there it stumbles a bit. I don't think that
this verse is necessary to the whole and if you wanted to, you could just delete it and the work would be fine without it! I appreciated the theme and the rhyme is very good. You use words easily understandable and well integrated for a great rhythm. on the whole, nice job!
~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

Hi there, Geezer; thanks for your input. It takes an outsider to set a writer, who is in love with every word he writes, straight. I believe your suggestion is a valid one and, if I don't remove that quatrain entirely, I will change its contents. It strikes me as being a bit too weepy. Glad you like my verses in general. Thank you, and regards,
Jerry

author comment

that you should abandon penultimate stanza and set it adrift Jerry. I think it is an important part of your fine poem. Line 2 of this stanza might just be a little wobbly but care should be taken with monosyllable lines (like in a song). I would have expected to see something minutely shorter eg. 'Must flow as they are void of flaws' (same syllable count). I think it's the word 'quite' that is quite out of place a little.

I think that you have chosen an excellent title.
I think that your rhyming and pace etc. is good.
Your choice of words is good
And it is easy to follow what the narrator is saying so thanks from a readers point of view.
It is a pleasure to comment on.

Overall a very pleasing piece to read and I will definitely read again in the future.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Hi Alan;
thanks for the critique and liking my poem. I believe I have used the word "quite" as a means to satisfy the syllable count. Shame on me. I appreciate your suggestion and will make a change, one way or the other.
My sincere thanks,
Jerry

author comment

your pearly tears enhance my tomb.

glory be the garland for thee
jerry
I also posted one on sailors
you may read

I appreciate your nice comment and your praise for my work. I'm a little lost finding my way around this site. I will check out your own work as time permits.
Much appreciated,
jerry

author comment

thanks Jerry

I just commented on your "Solo Sailor" thread. Take care, Jerryk.

author comment
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