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Sail

Submitted by Race_9togo on Thu, 2011-01-27 19:51

Boat engines are useless to me,
the smell of diesel and gasoline
mar the clean aroma of the sea,
and cloud the gleam of sunlit waves
with oily shine of industry.

To skim the water with fastest speed
defeats the purpose of the voyage,
for only sail fills the need
of quiet heart and satisfaction
roaring motors cannot feed.

And in the grasp of deepening swells,
beyond the known of sheltered shore,
there is no engine noise that quells
the doubts and fears and worries that
the rush of wind in sail dispels.

So at sunrise I'll steer this scow
between headland and peninsula,
and not look back, nor wonder how
ocean miles will be measured
before night falls across the bow.

For in the end that sweetest singing
of cracking sail and humming sheets,
the hiss of sea on hull as boat is reaching
will strip from me all life's banality,
and leave me contemplating
the wonder of discovering
a new and distant shore.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Back and feeling better.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-01-27 22:59

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Glad you enjoyed the read!

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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Race_9togo

Tue, 2011-02-01 00:12

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Yah, I've been ill for the past three weeks or so, but on the mend now.
I learned to swim at 14, the day I signed up for a summer's crewing out of Oban: the captain said "Everyone on board swims" and threw me into Oban harbour.
I swam.
Heehee.
Everyone can swim; it's just that most of us who think we can't panic when we have to!
And as for looking for the lifebelts, hell that's ALWAYS the first thing I look for when I board a boat, swimmer or not.
Glad you like this one, I was fondly remembering a voyage up to Mackinac Island a few years ago, while I was staring out at the Ice on Lake Michigan.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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lou

Mon, 2011-01-31 23:49

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Gonna get all poetic on ya as I can't find fault. The very essence of the sea, feels like the reader is there.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Race_9togo

Tue, 2011-02-01 00:14

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Thanks for reading and enjoying, Lou.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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faerybeki

Tue, 2011-02-01 16:19

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Dear Jim, I love the theme of the poem, what's the form? for me the rhythm goes off a little in stanzas 2 and 4, but flows beautifully in the first and third, is this intentional? to reflect the up down motion of the ocean :)
i might of guessed you'd prefer a sail to a motor, I'm with you there (mostly lol I do like jumping waves in a motor boat :) ) always good to read you Jim, sorry you've been unwell and glad you're feeling better, much love Beki xxx

'God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you will have two wings to fly,
not one.' (...Rumi)

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-02-03 14:54

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I think stanza 2 is OK, myself, but I agree that 4 is a little off. Not sure why, but I'll try to do a re-work, when I feel up to it.
Here's the thing about motor v. sail: Sail will take you anywhere there is enough water, if you want to take your time!
LOL
Still sick, but improving.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-02-01 17:33

Be well, dear Jim and sail away... but not too far..... ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glyErSTQrDI

the wonder of discovery rather than discovering ?

~A

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-02-03 14:58

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and I am improving, I'll soon be back to my old self.
I seldom sail anymore, as I do not have the time.
I think I'll make some though, this spring and summer. I miss it horribly.
I think that the word discovering is better, in the context of what is being discovered, and it makes for a good impact at the end.

Thanks Anna,

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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scribbler

Tue, 2011-02-01 17:58

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Nobody ever tells me anything ! Sorry to hear you've been ill. Hope recovery is complete. I've never been on a sailboat, but your poem has me wondering what I've been missing. A very enjoyable read..............scribbler

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-02-03 15:02

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I'm getting better, but not quite where I should be, so still under doctor's care right now.
You should try sailing. I cannot speak for others, but for me there is no better way to travel, and no better way to relive stress!
Glad you enjoyed this.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Kailashana2

Thu, 2011-02-03 15:07

Ok Jim, just to clarify the last three lines standing by itself:

"and leave me contemplating
the wonder of discovering
a new and distant shore."

Your call.

Hug,

~A

Race_9togo

Thu, 2011-02-03 17:06

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While sailing I think about the wonder I feel when discovering a new shore at the end of the voyage. That's the meaning I am trying to convey.

<<hug back>>

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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Race_9togo

Fri, 2011-02-04 14:24

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It's good to have you back, I hope the surgery went well.
Yes, I love rowing as well. I have a fond memory of it, that I think I'll post from the old site.
I have sped across the water in power cruisers too, but vastly prefer sail, it's just...more relaxing, and satisfying.
And QUIETER. LOL
HUG

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2011-02-04 09:55

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And in the grasp of deepening swells
beyond the known of sheltered shore
there is no engine noise that quells
the doubts and fears and worries that
the rush of wind in sail dispells.

These are my favorite lines! (just one correction suggested... should dispells be dispels?)

Your write of sailing brings peaceful and carefree feelings to me. I remember my one and only sailboat ride. Long ago on the waters off Pensacola Florida. It was a glorious day and I was with someone I loved. A beautifully exquisite write!

I am glad to see you are feeling better!

love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Race_9togo

Fri, 2011-02-04 14:27

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Glad you like this so much.
Thanks for the correction...ouch, I hate missing stuff like that, lol.

HUgs

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

pleiades

Mon, 2011-02-21 18:50

i must have read this 20 times since it was
first posted

my thoughts on it haven't changed

as a water baby, and boating enthusiast (strictly amateur)
this theme appeals to me greatly
just the terminology is enough to make me want
to take to the water ...

one thing i keep thinking ...
s 1, line 1 ...perhaps,
"Engined boats ..." ... as opposed to "Engines in boats"
just seems cleaner to me, and doesn't interfere with the cadence

your rhyme in this is so smooth

this is the kind of write that can
transport the reader into the scenario described

it did me

i sailed away

lovely ...lovely

cheers
p

Race_9togo

Mon, 2011-02-21 21:17

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Hmmm...I think you may be right, but I don't like "engined boats", so I went with something a little different, but the same meaning and cadence as you opine.
Thanks, and I'm glad you like this one so much! To be honest I had sort of left this poem, behind, so it's very good to know some are still reading it, and thinking about it.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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