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S & M

There is a part of us
that isn't quite alive
until hollow-starved lunacy is sated

while showing the bright side
her hidden darkness emerged
when I tricked her into hurting herself

she would say come on trick me, trick me, trick me
and I would tell her
Count Dragool with bloody tube fingers would take her slow
if she hit her self hard across the mouth
and then she would scream to Eden
bash mashley thrash me
I want the men with red tridents
and ding dong tails too
while she watched my eyes like surveillance drones as if a great confederation of cocks marched towards her

certainly not painless
but the pain of an addict
who knows all to well the pleasure of the needle
first the little sting and then the great oooow
of becoming eaten kingo flinks
and potato chips

she is butter on the stove
im the rare drug
a Do Do bird beaking flesh
a cold hard penetration
she a yielding intricacy of complications
a bald Rapunzel
feeling under abused til now
with black crow lips and jumbo bangled earings
like a long jangling math problem that ends
with a big O
O popping blood berries
like pink flower hysterical nipples
shooting bullets from belted tattooed hip pistols
on a singing red bed

her limbs a yawing stretch
of insanity sane
her body a torn zipper
being yanked up and down

a frenzy of crying blasphemies and knotted kisses
dancing the bend over
cha cha cha

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

You capture the experience well. Are you writing from experience, or just imagination? Either way, it works, and works well.
I thought the title was factual, but mediocre, so it does not fit the poetry.

I cannot fault the language use...as usual.

Your cadence is a little verbose in some places. I would prefer a smoother rhythm...but that might detract from the chaos and immediacy that I think is an integral part of this piece.
So, perhaps taking some of the longer lines and turning them into two or three lines, reinforcing the natural pauses with structure? Won't change the meaning or evocation, yet perhaps sharpen them.
I like the theme...most men do, even when that like is buried deep, lol.
If I had a clue about what consistent logic is, I would opine.
I love the beginning. Brilliant, vivid, and absolutely true.
The ending...mediocre, again, not up to the high standard of the rest.
Its real good man, real good. Been a while since I've been here, and I see a fullness in your work that has grown quite a bit.
Good poetry, more please.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

good review It may be the ending is a bit glib ill have to contemplate Thank you for taking the time to read and review Very appreciated

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