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Running out of life

Not ready to ascend
the stairway to heaven,
as blood runs out
of my body.

I call out,responses evade
like echoes in a box.

Into the night came a shield.
I still had a chance.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

for me this is a great opening...please tell me more! In few words you have engaged the reader to a scene...but left me hanging there. Whatever you did has a way of immediately engaging me!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

This is a short poem i wrote about the Las Vegas massacre where loved ones, friends and even strangers shielded the victims.

author comment

I do think most readers would, because of the way it is written, assume the shield is just that, a shield in the medieval sense, like the shield of an angel or god, not a person...
I am curious if I am alone on this, but it is my take.

Into the night he became my shied

However, you (or the subject) is already shot and bleeding....what is the purpose of the shielding? to avoid being hit again?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I'm going to have to agree with Eumolpus,
and I sure didn't get a Vegas massacre from
it ... if that was what you were writing about and
you expect readers to know, a little more information
may be needed, or not ... its your baby.

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