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Rula's idea sonnet disparaging words as a means of expression of deep emotion

Glass poetry

Autumn harsh an omen carried
Lively growth claws out through green grass
earth grows armour we have buried
for winter's screech and snowy brass

There above you see the meaning
and feel the vacancy of freeze
words suggest but go careening
What better use have we for these?

The higher truths the artists seek
are bound in metaphors' dark sheet
for reasons known when poets speak
the rift of mind to hand to beat

With all the meaning sensory
Mere words become illusory

Ron

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

My pleasure you've used my suggestion.
It's the weekend here, so more a family time but I'll come to this tomorrow morning if God wishes.
Till this time I'd like to know which sonnet form are you following here, Shakespearian, Elizabithian...etc

Soooon.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I'm using the standard Shakespearian form of sonnet. I think it flows well but am not completely sure the meter is perfect.

Thanks,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I don't doubt the flow, but my humble experience with sonnets taught me that it is a VERY strict form. It has a strict syllable count and that's why you won't find many sonnets written.

Autumn| harsh an| omen|carried   
 L ively| growth claws| out through| green grass|
 earth grows| armour |we have| buried
 for win|ter's screech| and snow| y brass|

There a|bove you | see the| meaning|
 and feel |the va|cancy| of freeze|
 words su|ggest but| go care|ening  ....caring maybe? 
 What be|tter use| have we| for these?|

 This is how I parse the first two stanzas where the feet should go like (de Dum|de DUM| de DUM | de DUMI de DUM) I wanted to do all the stanzas but for a reason the 'advanced formating' stopped working. I can go however and do them if you want to sometime later . The syllable count also doesn't fit the pentameter metrical feet which is also strict when it comes to the sonnets. I am sorry Ron, I didn't want to be mean. You've always been kind even when you give me a harsh critique.  I know how hard writing a sonnet could be. It is a real challange and as I see it, jess is very firm in this workshop. He wants to see every one challanging himself/herself . I suggest therefore, that you add two more lines at the end and make it  tetrameter quatrains as also been suggested as a form for this concept in the workshop page. I really like the idea and you've put it really well, so why don't you do it in quatrains?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I love it when you show me mistakes. I used to do a lot more of this kind of work in the late 80s and could pretty much knock them out, but my goals changed and I wanted to be more free and experimental, hence I need to reread and get my tetrameter/pentameter mojo back. Thanks much for the honest assessment.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I decided for the bigger challenge with the sonnet at the last second. The original spontaneous writing was:

Outside the Realm by RW

these cloth wrapped feet shuffle on the king's road
-
eyes ever watchful, I jump at a toad
-
the fear stands implicit, for those who by birth
-
were not blessed a noble nor with courtly worth
-
-
the nights gripping fingers of witchy cold claws
-
behind the inn quietly to not break any laws
-
by back against wood and mortar to warm
-
a number of knights in the inn that will swarm
-
-
if I make a sound I'm a horse thief or worse
-
my neck in a course noose they can't reimburse
-
mere days will take me off the road to the hills
-
where my life and my wife will ease all my chills
-
-
the fine buildings and armour are wanted most here
-
I want a log fire, a mead, and a tear
-
for the horrors that swirl under sky's burning helm
-
the price of a man who lives outside the realm
-

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I might be wrong here or there as I don't fully depend on my ear all the time (though as a skill, it's been developed better lately) so, jess might have another opinion.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

At least you tried this form as to me I might this weekend if I have a spare ten minutes or so but old classic forms fail my ways, its all this De dum's etc that just flow past my head without entry permits, Like trying to get into Australia with a packet of seed lol.
I know what I will do with this one I have a fiendish shredder that checks syllables I shall test it now..
Ah! The answer has arrived it says:- 8 8 8 9 - 8 8 7 8 - 8 8 7 8 - 8 8 now to me that is as near perfect as I is lol:-

for winter screech's snowy brass
As words suggest but go careening
for reasons known when our poets speak

There you go now, I feel perfection, but now is it DUM Dum enough..
You see me and form are a hard mix, and it at my age is just a very hard task..
Go well my friend and great to walk with you in the quiet of our minds, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I did revise some so I may have taken out the syllabul issues, though the tetrameter needs some work. I hope to try the other forms here also. Good Workshop.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

however it flows ok and works well conceptually.

I won't attempt to parse it, mykeyboard is playing up.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Great imagery. I did stumble in a spot, maybe two, but really didn't care. Imagined those lines to be somewhat like mine when the rythm reads correctly in my head.

But as far as rhythm, feet, meter, syllable count, I am as ignorant as they come. Hope that there is more detailed conversation on the subject (hint, hint).

thanks for posting as I often find your work to be a benchmark that I will continue to strive for but never achieve.

and as I close, I just wanted to check and see if I used enough buts in my entry. If not, may I say but one more time. Dam it must be late.

Scott

Scott

Wesley will soon run a meter workshop.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Thank you for the compliments. Certainly shoot higher than my work. I've gone through periods (like now) where I feel like everything that comes out is flawed and inadequate. This has gone on for decades. I appreciate the fact that you read it at all.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

it might finally help me get out of my critiquing slump.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0P3UpekhGcx

What everyone, including me, failed to mention is that this is a brilliant and bloody lovely poem. It really expresses Rula's concept in powerful, emotionally connecting form.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

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