Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Rula's iamb quatrain (Bottom Line WS)

If only words could tell how pretty she's.
She makes the golden sun in clouds to shy.
The moon, occults its silver beams afar
and stars in niche, when Eve has crossed his sky."

if o-/nly words /could tell/ how pre-/tty she's,
She makes/ the gold-/en sun/ in clouds/ to shy.
The moon,/ o-ccults/ its sil-/ver beams/ a-far
and stars/ in niche, /when Eve/ has crossed/ his sky." 

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Cliche! I know but that's all what comes to me.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

A perfect example of Iambic Pentameter.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Well done on this one, though to me the last word in the first line is questionable:-
If only words could tell how pretty she's.
If only words could tell of her beauty.
The use of she's at the end of a line, it is usually used in the middle of a line or at the start like:-
"She's as beautiful as a butterfly" (From a Song),
this makes it belong of the lady.
To put "She is" at the end sounds wrong and out of context when it is abbreviated or what ever the phrase for "She's" is.
A peculiarity of English young one I hope that Wesley can help on this one.
Take care and have a lovely day out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This flows really well and your parsing examples are very helpful in getting the meter correctly. Some things, like the use of "occults" as a verb and the "she's" at the end of line one are distracting but in the assignment of doing the meter (and subsequent cadence) are very good.

Thanks,

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Many thanks for the heads-up. I didn't like the "she's" abreviated at the end either. Notice taken.:)

However Ron, as for occult, I believe it works as a verb to mean "to shut from view/cover/eclipse which what I wanted in that verse. If I am not using it the right way please let me know. I am here always to learn.
Thanks again gentlemen.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Technically, the use of 'occults' as verb is correct according to the online dictionary sources I checked. My apologies; I hadn't seen it used that way before.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

... I said I didn't care if the quatrain made sense so long as the meter was correct... which it is.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

We're supposed to PARSE the quatrain too?...................stan

You are not supposed to parse it. I or Wesley will.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Everyone... you need only scan the three lines. The quatrain will be scanned by everyone in discussion.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I think that the word you may have been looking for is "occlude" which is to hide obstruct, not to keen on joining the Occult, though it is Magic, lol.
Have a lovely day out there,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.