Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

RUDDERLESS

Submitted by Trail on Sun, 2023-04-23 15:55

I have wiped the sweat off my brow
And thrown down the towel
I tried to listen to the music
But it falls flat upon my ears

Somewhere along the way
I seem to have lost my compass
And broken my rudder to pieces
I became like a feather in the wind
And didn't even notice

The first to go were the sunsets
It's this concrete jungle that took them away from me
Then followed the mornings
I forgot to even look up at the clouds
To raise my hand and feel the breeze
Dear god, what has happened to me?

My smiles became quick and short
And barely even reached my eyes
My days became empty and my nights longer
Music became noise to my ears
And reading became a tiresome chore

I am running through the pages of my old journal
Looking for the man I used to be
Perhaps if I can find him,
I can find my way back to him
Because this, is not working
A. SWANTALALA

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-04-23 15:55

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Rudderless" by A. Swantalala explores the feeling of being lost and disconnected from oneself. The speaker describes a gradual detachment from the beauty of life, as they have lost their sense of direction and passion. The imagery used to depict this feeling is effective, with the broken rudder and lost compass symbolizing the speaker's lack of control and direction. The use of sensory details, such as the lost sunsets and forgotten clouds, further emphasizes the speaker's disconnection from the world.

However, the poem could benefit from some refinement in terms of its structure and language. The first stanza feels disconnected from the rest of the poem, as it focuses on a physical action (wiping sweat off the brow) that does not directly tie into the theme of being lost. Additionally, the line "But it no longer touches my soul" feels cliched and could be rephrased to convey the speaker's detachment in a more unique way.

One possible line edit could be: "But it falls flat upon my ears." This alternative phrasing adds a bit of musicality to the line, while still conveying the idea that the music no longer has an emotional impact on the speaker.

Overall, "Rudderless" is a poignant exploration of the feeling of being lost and disconnected. With some fine-tuning, the poem could become an even stronger expression of this theme.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.