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Rubber Band Man
Toting jeans hanky and chaps
thin man rubbing solo band
harmonica in two hands
airing throat commands
guitar metal stands
hoovering crowd
boogie down
snapping loud
sip'n SanGria
rubber band
brother man
roughly fingering
street melodies
coins stroken
bucket notes posted
feather dusting
bass guitar
footing the bills.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Pugilist
Wed, 2019-05-15 19:23
There is potential here
A consideration might be to vary your stanza and line length, to juxtapose longer lines with shorter ones and create a flow that draws the reader through.
But, ultimately, I'm not certain where you are going or what point you desire to make. It may be tha ti am not your target audience, and that is fine, but I would invite you to let this sit for a week or so and read it with fresh eyes, aloud, so you can feel how your readers experience your work.
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Jonathan Moore
dpoetessrock
Wed, 2019-05-29 06:58
I will try that approach.
I will try that approach. Thanks very much.
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