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Ron's Littleton Revision 2 (with Gee's revision and original)

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Wed, 2012-08-22 20:49

Littleton Revision 2
Ron BlueDemon77

Littleton, killed his son
why oh why, he put out his eye
the same day, all the skies went gray
the fever came, never was the same

sun's warmth gone, as his madness spawn
crops to silt, Redbeard lived his guilt
days of dark, nights of terror stark
tiny mound, jutting out of ground

Littleton, Redbeard thick with lice
maggots, rats, sharing habitats
every night, eyes shined with red light
at the door, child's voices implore

In the nights, he can feel small bites
but the worst, are his son's outbursts
numb feet black, can't feel rat attack
footprints red, eyes windows dead

Redbeard, his mind convulsed feared
Littleton, went to see his son
open ground, no footprints around
shadow fell, floating in the hell

"I am sorry!", child nodded skull
Grittilly, son said "same with me."
"I am free, what you took from me"
"Welcome to your eternal hell"

Gee's revision

Littleton's son, Lttleton's son
His father loved to beat him
The poor kid was a bastard-childn
Born of just a whim

Pokers of fire, glowing red
Were instruments of torture
Burning flesh and salty tears
On one so immature

Red Beard Redbeard is so feard
No one knows he's haunted
His daylight hours are dreadful
His nightmares keep him taunted

He smashes doors, outside he runs
Knees jellied and gun clenched in hand
No stars or moon or daylight
A lonely Hell, is where he'll stand

Stained cloak of dun, clutched closer still
Backyard grave is guarded well
Littleton's son is buried there
In his father's private Hell

Ron's
Original
Littleton
Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Sat, 2012-08-18 06:03
Littleton by RW

Littleton's fun was to torture his son
The hearth fire roared but of heat there was none
space where old angers restore, cold, unwon
paths worn ancient scorn, past hurts redone

old man clutched his cloak of stained and worn dun
sweat poured small rivers, he could not outrun
grave in back yard guarded by Littleton
if death is pain's surcease he's just begun

pokers in fireplace, glowed red overdone
knew flesh cauterized meat spit slowly spun
until eyes grew film and life was undone
tearful and fearful all sanity shun

long red beard assures he's feared, not outdone
though daytimes are dreadfilled, his nightmares stun
waking hours haunted towers rerun
murder isn't easy when it's your son.

In a frenzy, he smashed his door to run
he found naught outside, no stars, moon, or sun
Littleton screamed kneeling clutching his gun
Hell is first lonely, each made for just one

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Gee did an exemplary job on the initial revision. Thanks! Ron Blue Demon77
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin

Comments

scribbler

Wed, 2012-08-22 22:47

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Well you surely deleted the SS here but you did so by leaving out Any rhyme pattern and the purpose of this shop is exploring use of rhyme patterns in decreasing SS, not eliminating all patterns. Or have I missed a subtle rhyme pattern?.....................stan PS we have not covered internal rhyme in this shop. That will be for next one

BlueDemon77

Wed, 2012-08-22 23:19

BlueDemon77's picture

Looks like a rewrite is in order.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-08-25 22:30

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Yes, he went beyond the parameters, but it deserves to be acknowledged as a much better poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Sat, 2012-08-25 22:55

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I just read this again before realizing I'd already read and commented . I gotta get more sleep lol. THIS time I saw the internal rhyme which I ovbiously missed 1st time around. Although you DID go beyond the parameters ( and did so by using a method I'll cover in a later shop) you also cut the SS down a lot. In reading it out loud I realized that there were areas where the repetition of internal rhymes over more that 2-3 adjacent lines can also lead to a more muted type SS. If I'd not seen this poem I'd have not learned that lol. Good job.............stan

Geezer

Thu, 2012-09-06 13:46

Geezer's picture
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the internal rhyme scheme, and thought it quite good. The theme remains quite the same,yet there are subtle differences that make it a whole new work. Congrats on a good re-write and thanks for the kudos. ~ Gee

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