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RIVER WITH NO NAME

There is a boulder which divides a river
which I first saw when in my teens
way in the mountains where hemlocks shiver.
The water rushed in white and greens.

Every year or so I'd go fish there.
Sometimes a fish held in the slack.
Sometimes the eddy was cold and bare.
The smell of freedom always brought me back.

My wand would wave, the line would whisper
the feather'ed lure carried by line's weight.
Over time my delivery grew crisper
luring a few trout to their fate.

Storms would come and floods would go.
The river claimed a tree sometimes,
that boulder stayed there even so
echoing the valley's rhymes.

Time flowed on as is its way
turning a youth to an old man
who less often dared to wade the fray
where that rock rules wet and tan.

a dawning came a week or so ago
that I have not waded there for years,
there where deep woods and wild trout grow.
For some reason I shed a few tears,

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
OK. the river Does have a name but I ain't telling lol
Editing stage: 

Comments

Sounds like the Green River in Kentucky.
I think you need to work on the last verse, my friend - I found it weak, compared to the rest, and a bit stuttery.
The rest...no fault. Rhymes are great, Imagery vivid, cadence is good, and I love the storytelling.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

You know me, let the muse hit then write it down quickly before it leaves. Always time to edit later but said edits are a lot easier when people are honest in their opinions.......stan

author comment

and I could live there so easily, except for those blasted ticks. I liked your smooth rhyme and cadence but for that last line, i.e. "...a few..." threw me a bit as the two syllables weakened what would otherwise be a powerful line. You know the reason why you shed tears, and I wanted you to tell it.

Marthalyn

Rhythm is something I've struggled with since I started writing. I have a tendency to put stresses where I want them instead of where they naturally occur. That's what's great about this site. I can EXPECT honest feedback so that I am made aware of meter slips, typos and such so that I can go back and improve a mistake. Appreciate your feed back and will see what I can do in eventual edit......stan

author comment
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