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River

Going down the river
The flow swaying with my rhythm
Forever young was the river
Sometimes I fought the current
Other times I let it take me
Diving into insanity
Gasping for reality
I feel myself going under
Inhaling water
Pray for me Jude
I don't want to drown just yet
The river has baptized me in fear
Stealing my breath
Then giving it back
Scrambling for air
Holding the edge
I am not lost yet
God hold my hand
Don't let me go under
Waters once so warm
Turned to an icy chill of knives
I crawl to solid ground
Wrapping myself in the earth
Feeling my heart beat against the clay
Finally able to breathe
Though the river took me away
Swept me off my feet,
Simply floating,
Waves rocking my body
Calm water turned to raging whirlpool
Spinning me in so many colors
So long I traveled the river
Where I'd gone
Where I'm going
Gripping grass in my fingers
Never odd or even
Flowers bloom
Imperfect, and beautiful
Like sunflowers
I am a beautiful mistake
Finding my place
The river was my heart
But land always held my soul
And I will one day grow old

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
I wrote this about someone very special.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Thank you for seeing the typo. Im glad this appeals to you. I wrote it as a simple tribute. Thanks for taking the time to read it.

The Unknown Poet

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author comment

Free verse is not the poetry I write, so I can offer no "technical" suggestions concerning the poem.
However, your language use is strong and vivid. I hope that NeoPoet can pique your curiousity enough that you will not only post much more of what you make, but also take the opportunity to explore what you can make. Please don't be afraid to ask the poets here for specific suggestions. The better we understand what you want to do with your poetry the better able are we to help you realize those goals.

I look forward to seeing your critiques on other poems. We encourage each other not to merely comment, but to be critical. For example, I invite you to look in on one of my poems... and tear it to the foundations. I can't imagine (after reading your profile) that you could have an insulting word to give to anyone, so don't fear to offer what you think about the poem. You might help me fix it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I am very new to everything here. I hope that I will be able to help other poets, as well as get help with my own work.

The Unknown Poet

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author comment

You fought for your own life.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I will learn more from you

loved

Welcome to Neo. It seems you are getting a different sort of "baptism" as you venture forth on the site. Don't let that distract you or detract you from posting further work. Let it inspire you to a new level. I have found the critique here to be invaluable, both technical and philosophical.

No one is ever going to agree with everything you write. And although you may not believe it, everyone on Neo is here to try and help each other. I believe you when you say that you will not judge someone for their beliefs as you do not want to be judged for yours. But don't dismiss them either. The beliefs of others offer you the most powerful tool a poet could ever have, a different perspective. Sometimes you have to just look at the world differently; walk to school on the other side of the street; take a different route to work; say the words out loud to make them real. No one can challenge your faith if you don't let them, but they can offer insight to their own.

As Wes stated, get out there and critique. If someone checks the "I want the raw truth, knock me on my butt" button. Give them everything you have. It will help the both of you become better poets.

All that gibberish aside, you have some very insightful thoughts to present in this poem. But for me the poem as a whole was over the top. I feel like you could have told your story with half of the lines. At times, the poem rambled and re-stated. You referenced the river in a number of different ways with few of the references allowing for a smooth transition. You may be trying to be too poetic here. Not sure, just my take. But if you don't mind me suggesting, take some time away from this poem, look at the world a little differently and then return to it with a fresh mind. I think you will surprise yourself.

I am always concerned about overstepping and being too harsh with critique when someone checks the moderate criticism box. If I have, please let me know for future critiques of your work.

Welcome again,

8

Scott

Thank you for everything that you said. I am not new to Neo Poet as everyone thinks i am. I know Wes from my old account. I was never able to recover it. The poem isn't about me. I often do not write about myself.

I try never to let my religious views get the better of me. I know of all different religions, but I have chosen my way of life. Jesus is my Savoir not my religion. I do hold tight to my views as I have fallen away from God before.

As for you critique you have a gentle tongue. If my poem is "too" poetic it is because the person who it is about is just too beautiful for words :)

Thank you again.
Shyanne

The Unknown Poet

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author comment

You know me from your "old account". Who are you? With all the Sherlock Holmes I read I should be able, as Watson, to "use his methods" and figure it out.
Bah. I'm too scatterbrained to do so.
Will you remain a mystery or put an old man at peace... and tell us who you were.
Either choice is exciting.
And I don't think ANYTHING can be too poetic.
But then... I read Chaucer in the original Old English and love it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Annie-Rae. If that does sperk a memory maybe you remember a poem called Dark Eyes. I can't recall all tht were posted.

The Unknown Poet

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author comment

female
Favorite Poets Sarabeth Zimmermen, Davey Havok, Jade Puget, Dejon Simons, John McCare, Robert Frost
Favorite Authors Dennis Wheatley, Oscar Wilde
Greatest Influence Absolutely everything
About me I was born in Omaha, NE. I'm 15. I was given the name Shyanne Desirae Derry, but I go by Annie-Rae Derry. I have three sisters and two brothers. I am the middle child three older siblings two younger. My secant oldest sister Brianne was murdered in 2006. I'm fourteen, but I feel much older. I tell people I'm the definition of strange. I have black curly hair, green eyes, And pail skin. I have many nationality's. I hope that one day maybe people wont see my age just my poetry. When I was eleven right before Christmas I was told that the man who raised me was not my biological father. I love my father so it made no difference to me. I met my biological father a few mouths ago he's very sweet and wants to be in my life. My little sister and brother are adopted. They belonged to my sister Brianne who past away as I told you. My favorite colors are black, red, gray, and white. My best friend and I have a codependency on one another. So it is very hard to be apart. I love God's world and I am amazed everyday with his creation. I have five cats, three dogs, and two bunny-rabbits. I love animals very much. When I am older I hope to care for the elderly in a nursing home. I know not very exciting, but I feel compelled to do it. I hope to one day be a known poet. If not maybe someone will be moved by my writings. I have Aspergers Syndrome it is hard, but I can handle it. I hate when people cuss in their poetry. In my opinion it makes people sound dumb, or that they are trying to hard. I don't like people to touch me. I don't understand sarcasm. I am a wolf in a family of sheep. I wear goth makeup I feel very pretty in it. I love puck, goth, rock, screemoh, and metelhead music. like AFI and Three Days Grace are my favorite bands. My Favorite song is For your entertainment . I love the darker side life. Well that just about me!

loved

You found it! My identity has been revealed

The Unknown Poet

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author comment

young 18
lady ur having great fun
just go google
u will find all
your lost ones

loved

I notice by your original profile above that you have had a few hard things to deal with.
This poem is really good and a journey, and I hope that you continue to write of your ways as they are very good pictures of life and I expect they will help you to share things with us.
You take care always remember that you are a precious creature that has arrived here and it is best you enjoy everything life throws at you no matter what, Yours Ian.T (Yenti)

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Having just told you that you will never grow old, on another poem,
I meant in the sense that when you are, you will still have this wealth of images
that lights the hours of your life, the sky, the trees, th flowers, their scents and sounds
will still entertain you, like me, I too feel I shall neve grow old. I'm 73 on paper,
but phooey what's that, only a young thing.

Love from me, once my e mail read [email protected]

I am a member of the human race, no isms, no religions or political party, just an element that is living on this earth until I too change into another kind of particle in this wonderful place..

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Keep looking for your Creator

into the sun for five minutes... you will not last that long ...and if you do... you have found your Creator.... believe in my hypothesis ...Sun is master of the living----- the dead---- the ones yet to be born --- to die....
Where does mystery lie?
except in the minds of ignorant
who want you upon their shoulders to cry
at least you make them feel
they live in bliss
they will only give you
only a kiss
fall at their feet
don't lose your heart beat
the sun alone will
as it does heat!

Welcome back. Before I forget it I'd like to mention the line "never odd or even" seems a bit out of place . It seems you are comparing a tumultuous relationship with the changing moods in a river. Well done in my opinion. "the river baptized me in fear" might be a bit better if you replaced "in" with "with". Was that an echo? lol.........stan

The poem is about River Phoenix. He made an album that was never released called never odd or even. Or something similar. Thank you so much for reading it.

The Unknown Poet

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author comment

The line makes sense now. Might be a good idea to put that in the author notes so old dunder heads like me will know what it refers to.........stan

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