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Rising From The Aftermath

Rise up from shattering
muse of future once denied,
for in the promises of hopeful climes
only strength of will shall claim demise
of vanquished dreams that halt the stride
of life
across abyss of suffering.

Reach out with sweeping
hand erasing past that yawns so wide,
for in the grime of relished crime
only blessed rise of cleansing time
defeats the constant pouring tide
of hate
across barreness of blaming.

Open wide encircling
arms to catch the faltering pride
of those once labeled enemy,
for on the rising tide of mercy
only our forgivness guides
our love
across caressing edge of caring.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Experimenting with rhyme and form
Editing stage: 

Comments

I had to read before I can make any suggestions and as I would only change a few this one reads of wonderment from you.

Blessings to you and the family
Mona
xoxo

ps I think you meant Rising From The Aftermath in your title

My regards to your and yours as well.

Glad you liked this.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

It never ceases to amaze me, how someone can bring completely new insight into what I write.
I see it clearly now, after reading your comment. This can indeed be interpreted as you say. I did not see it before , since death, being a place I have been a few times, is not something that I think about too much; it simply isn't important to me any longer, since I do not fear it.
Also, not believing in a judgemental God, the idea of the need to escape my actions in life, after death, never occured to me! But now I see that in this poem, too.

I love it when someone gets this kind of stuff from what I write.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

So now I have reread this also..and see what Rosina saw. I guess I rarely think about death myself so missed it. Thank you for allowing me to see this in a different perspective! That is what I love about poetry.

Lori

For that is the thing I love best about poetry as well.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

What I got from this was that only the strength of forgiveness can help us to rise above pain and hatred, don't know if I am even close or if that was your intent?
Unlike Rosina, I did not see death and the afterlife at all, I saw how we can change our perspectives in the here and now. To make this life we (and those around us) lead better.

I won't be offended if you tell me I am way off the mark here.....LOL.

Your interpretation is the one I was trying to convey.
We were talking about forgiveness and mercy towards one's enemies in church, during our 1st hour 4th principle discussion, and that discussion moved me to write this.
I wasn't really thinking about death and the afterlife, but Rosina always surprises me with her interpretations, which are almost always valid ones, even if I had not set out on the course described in the first place, lol.
So I guess I cannot offend, since you are on the mark.

Thanks for the read and comments, Loreli.

Much appreciated.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Always good themes.

Jim I enjoyed the read.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Your enjoyment is my delight!

:)

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

to raise myself
to ur standards
aftermath
notwithstanding
great work

loved

In fact, you are in some part to blame for my trying different things because I find your own poetry so unique, with odd ways of making things rhyme and pace together, while making so much sense.
LOL I hope THAT makes sense!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Jim,

I really appreciate the difficulty in trying this complex rhyming system and still keeping the poem flowing. The good thing is the rhyming does not feel forced or just put in because you needed a rhyming word.

Very clever style and I like the 'love', 'hate', 'life' being totally out of the rhyming scheme but being a fundamental part of each stanza.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Thanks very much. I was concerned at just how forced this might feel when read, as I have had that criticism before.
You like the 'love' 'hate' thing, huh? I thought it was a little contrived, myself, but I like the way is sort of gets in the face of the reader.

Glad that you enjoyed this one.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

You know, I was thinking about the first two lines being a good start for a villanelle myself!
Thank you for your comment, it's good to know that it feels so natural becasue that was one of my concerns.
And no, there is no name for this form, as far as I know, I was just experimenting. Perhaps someone with more technical expertise could tell us.
Thanks again, Amal.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Someone once said the best way to defeat an enemy is to make him your friend. At least this is what I got from this. As to rhyme scheme, I expect it will be a while before I attempt one this complex. It flowed so naturally I didn't even notice it until pointed out.................scribbler

Thanks very much. Now I do indeed know, with your comment, that I got this right. It's good to know that the cadence and flow are smooth, especially when confirmed by an excellent rhymer like yourself.
I disagree with you on one point, though: I suspect that it will not be as long as you think before you make the attempt.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment
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