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Rise

Submitted by brittle light on Wed, 2010-11-24 04:26

.
why dost thou recoil?
hast thou never met a man?
I stand over thee
only because thou dost cower

stand, and face me
even should I be thine enemy

this lowly posture thou adopt
t'was not thrust upon thee from above
'tis but a lie of thine own making
and wilt attract no grace nor mercy
from me, nor the heavens
'til truth of thine aching heart
be known a'loud

speak thy truth,
and know thyself
in the stature thine own natural will
would command

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
still playing with other "voices". I'm not sure I got all the pronuns right. please advise. Soon, I will tire of this, and move on to something else!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Race_9togo

Wed, 2010-11-24 11:55

Race_9togo's picture
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"only because thou cower"

"only because thou dost cower"

or

"only because thou cowerest"

would be better?

"and thou will"

"and thou wilt"

I love the second stanza; that voice is very powerful in it's truth.
And the last stanza is just right on the mark.

I hope this helps

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

brittle light

Wed, 2010-11-24 12:32

brittle light's picture

You've come to my rescue again.

I am impressed, and admire, your broad scope of knowledge, and intelligence. These qualities probably come in mighty handy from time to time. I know I could use a little more of them, and often!

Thank you for your time and advise.

later,

Al

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2010-11-24 17:19

pray tell(eth) why adopteth ye olde tongue? ;-)

jus' kidding.

~A

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