Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Rewind Mode

Submitted by raj on Thu, 2016-05-19 14:28

I trudge along the corridor
yet again,
a deserted, fractured space
its pillars crumbling
almost grumbling
by intrusion of steps I tread
creaking in the silence
where once birds chirped
now only a lone shadow walks
on the walls
upon which were painted murals
of alpha, beta, erotica
now covered in the soot
of flickering flames defying wind
embers turned to ashes
and in the ashes i smell gasoline

I turn around to find
the crumbling pillars grumbling
and the magnificent edifice collapse
in a blistered heap

after the dust settled down
i trace with shaking fingers
lyrics of our duets
listening to their echoes
in the labyrinths,
playing in monotone
rewind mode

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
My attempt at abstract
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Abstract words and abstract poetry

Comments

jane210660

Thu, 2016-05-19 16:13

jane210660's picture
Volunteer badge

Wow, this is so evocative, I can hear the eerie footsteps and feel the decay. Amazing, I love it. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

raj

Fri, 2016-05-20 14:40

thanks for your visit ...nice to know you found it evocative, hear the footsteps and the decay...which was the intent..

Hope you are having a good outing...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Keith Logan

Fri, 2016-05-20 04:08

Keith Logan's picture
Volunteer badge

but I fail to see what's abstract about it other than possibly the corridor mentioned in line one.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

raj

Fri, 2016-05-20 14:42

Thank you Keith for taking the time to read and comment. You are right about the "corridor" ...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2016-05-20 07:26

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

Is the corridor your mind? Or am I reading this all wrong?

No matter, I love the imagery
and the last stanza especially

Nothing to offer for improvement

As for abstract.... I'm not qualified to say - I'm afraid, no matter how many definitions I read, I still don't totally grasp the concept

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

raj

Fri, 2016-05-20 14:44

You are spot on about the corridor being the mind which was the intent and rest of the stuff about recall of events hence I chose the title "rewind mode"
...good to know my attempt was not bad...

Much love n hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2016-05-20 16:26

Volunteer badge

"collapse"? maybe this should be collapsed or collapsing.I think this is a good abstract of the way memories are ephemeral and how they slowly crumble and change over time as they are replayed over and over...........stan

raj

Fri, 2016-05-20 23:25

Thank you Stan for taking time to read and comment. You are spot on in decoding some of the abstract portions...this confirms that my attempt was on track...i will think about the change proposed by you...thanks for the same..

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

mand

Sat, 2016-05-21 05:17

mand's picture
Volunteer badge

Very imaginative description of memory loss - you manage to tap into that downward spiral the mind falls into. ( My husband used to have a top notch memory - says that his short term memory is next to nothing now - but he remembers vividly past events ).

Well done - clever abstract poem

Suggestion: It depends whether you want people to get the gist of the poem's content straight away or whether you want them to work it out for themselves ( which maybe more fun ) - but perhaps a stronger hint in the title as to its intended meaning. Something like "Re-Mind Mode" or the like. I'm probably way off the mark with this suggestion - it's only a thought, to be ignored, with contempt if so desired. Lol xxx :)

Love to you Raj

Mand xxx

raj

Sat, 2016-05-21 13:44

Thanks Mand...good to see you...appreciate your perceptions and suggestions...your suggestion about title is good but then it would be a give away...which is why I kept it as Rewind Mode...so as to not let the title give away too much idea...you know what i mean?...Thanks again for the Wow which is like tonic :)

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

mand

Sat, 2016-05-21 15:19

mand's picture
Volunteer badge

Definitely deserves a Wow! 10 out of 10 from me!

LOve to you Raj xx good to read your work again. :)

Mand xxx

raj

Sat, 2016-05-21 15:22

Thanks again Mand for your kind words..

Much love and hugs..

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

lovedly

Sun, 2016-05-22 04:18

lovedly's picture

every one is saying so
i must also be a sheep
as says a poet
common frnd urs and mine
raj sub in the lime
you are superfine
in mind
I ain't ur kind have a naughty not so dumb but sexy mind
s - b i n -d lime

lovedly

Sun, 2016-05-22 04:18

lovedly's picture

every one is saying so
i must also be a sheep
as says a poet
common frnd urs and mine
raj sub in the lime
you are superfine
in mind
I ain't ur kind have a naughty not so dumb but sexy mind
s - b i n -d lime

raj

Sun, 2016-05-22 14:12

Thanks Lovedly for the read and your kind words...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Rula

Mon, 2016-05-23 08:52

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

I can get the feeling of abandonment coming across. however is it abstract I am not sure. I'm still unable to write mine as I am confused myself in addition to having some rough time where my husband is going through a minor surgery.
I just wanted you to know I've been here.
Thanks for sharing. At least a good piece with powerful imagery.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

raj

Mon, 2016-05-23 13:52

Thanks Rula for your time, read and comment, in spite of your being a little anxious...all will be fine

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

jane210660

Tue, 2016-05-24 02:05

jane210660's picture
Volunteer badge

Going to be honest, I didn't really see the deeper implications at first, I wasn't looking for them. But having read Mand's comments, I now see clearly. And double wow. To me, it's a very clever abstract poem, which is probably why I didn't 'get it' in the first place.
So glad I came back for a second viewing. Jxx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

raj

Tue, 2016-05-24 15:07

Thank you Jane for taking time to visit again, read again and for your double wow which is the first double wow :) will act like tonic...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.