Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Reverend Director V...

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2012-02-20 13:14

What's this? there are some voices
Footsteps in the hall
No one supposed to be here
Just the Reverend, that's all

Girlish whispers and angry murmmers
"We will kill him now"
He's done it to all of us
No more; and that's our vow

A dozen girls filed in slowly
Steak-knives and clubs of wood
Killer shrank back hiding
Should he stop them if he could?

They stopped in disbelief
At the carnage that they saw
"Did you do this little one?"
She shook her head; said,"Nah"

Then Killer stepped into view
The girls, they all hung back
They were scared of this big man
What he did to the man in black

Now don't do anything foolish
Leave this one to me
You don't want your hands being soiled
I'll take care of it, you see

They stared at him for a moment
Then the oldest spoke to him
"We must have our revenge
We don't think of it as sin"

Killer took his knife out
Stabbed the Reverend in his heart
Life's blood splashed on his shoes
Each girl, she did her part

He didn't know that he was crying
While he stomped and slashed 'till sore
But he knew those little girls
Were innocent no more

Their footsteps echoed down the hall
He wondered; if this was somehow
The way they would forget
Or were just satisfied for now...

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

I guess that this is the closest that I can come to a resolution. Does anyone see Killer's concern?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Storytelling in Verse

Comments

themoonman

Mon, 2012-02-20 22:12

Hi Gee,

I believe this is close to resolution as well but still leaves room
for a part two which is the way most stories leave off. As a poem,
I felt some of the rhyme to be forced and easy or even expected,
and many of the lines ( I'm speaking of the entire poem not just
focusing on this one part of it) were in need of attention to meter,
but it did fit the story line. As a story, I felt that for people that didn't
already know Killer from previous writes of yours may be a little lost,
but after reading again in its entirety I feel you did let the readers know
just what Killer is all about.

I can see the concern in Killer, he may have initiated a dozen new Killers,
born in blood so to speak.

thanks Gee, enjoyed the story and the time reviewing it.

Richard

Geezer

Tue, 2012-02-21 18:02

i've not...

been at my best lately, and I do see what you mean about the rhyme being forced in places and the metter needing attention. I wii try to give it some TLC. Yes, you did see Killer's concern. I wasn't sure if I had been clear enough on that score, but then again, you are an unusually astute critic. Thanks for the read and the interest in Killer's tale ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

wesley snow

Wed, 2012-02-22 14:19

Moonman gave all the critique on the poetry this needs.

My problem is that several of voices were not clearly assigned. I found myself knowing who spoke the line only after reading the entire line and sometimes not even then.
As far as a climax and resolution that much is abundantly clear. A rather queer tale and not something I would have written, but a clear success in the workshop.
Clarity is the only thing I feel might have been better.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Geezer

Thu, 2012-02-23 06:52

I will...

work on it. I have tried to show what made Killer who he is. Richard was correct on all scores. Thanks for the critique, Richard and Wesley. ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Neopoet

Reverend Director V...