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Return to Night

she said: "The trysting time
is a winter prelude.
this love is our religion."

my mind perceives the jewels of beauty
my soul is an echo - a prisoner within its body
that longs to walk free

as a citizen of that distant city
in every thought I long for her
in every action do I reach

in the days past she was called: the Shulamite
a female Solomon
her flesh rended for her piety

yesterday is the only happiness
in our youth
when our bodies were pure
before our love was consummated

the first lover said: "Be silent
and we shall find each other
once again...

return to the eclipse
return to night"

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

it's truly amazing how you capture so much in so few lines...
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raj (sublime_ocean)

I saw just now the extended version which is also finely crafted..but I liked the crisper version more..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

really the first was a mistake I pressed save before finishing the poem. it is as it is. maybe you could offer a few more words why you thought it not quite right or why you thought the first few lines were stronger? thanks Mr Raj

author comment

Welcome to the site. I prefer an emotional response to a scientific/technical understanding anyway. I write from within some will say that's bad but I don't care. If you feel something from what I've written I'm glad. though I welcome all viewpoints even negative responses if I can learn from them. Thanks for reading.

author comment

Thank you for another time travel.
Back to almost three thousand years,
are feelings of love and respect were the same?

IRiz

yes to me the Song of Solomon to me is the most beautiful piece of world poetry. I'm really fascinated by the story of the Shulamite as a holy woman or pinnacle of female spirituality. plus of course as a man and a poet there is the romantic element if that makes sense.

thanks so much for reading IRiz did u have fun in Florida

author comment

One more day there. I am mostly walking and jogging on the beach and in costal parks. One more last hike today.
I wrote a couple of poems. One I posted here.

IRiz

nice to get back to nature. the beautiful crystal sea

author comment

i this its lovely . first love is priceless . and you expressed it well in this piece

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I think this is beautiful there is a tenderness and innocence that gently falls off the tongue when this is read aloud. I really cant see anything to suggest to improve it. I will suggest if you keep on writing like this you're going to make it very hard for me to find anything to fault and make suggestions.

Bravo what a beautiful poem of first love or even 2 new people in the beginnings of a relationship still discovering each other.

Hugs J xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thanx for your kind words. yes I think its about looking back when love was innocent. I wonder Jayne could you please take a look at my poem "Sisyphus" when you have a moment? you may remember some of it because its a very old poem but its been touched up over the years.

author comment

Hey Dalton
I am back to Neo.
Give it another look, come back and write something for me to comment

IRiz

hi IRiz, how was Florida hope you are well. I have been writing a bunch lately but haven't submitted to this site as yet. will do so in the near future maybe you could read then. thanks

author comment

Since then I traveled so much!
I just returned from Switzerland. Hiking in Alps is the best activity i can imagine.
I was in Puerto Rico this Spring, skiing tour in the west this winter Colorado, Utah, Wyoming. And also here on East Coast in West Virginia and Vermont.
Cosmoport in Orlando was memorable, I was frustrated to be born too early to travel to Mars.
You should see their man operated cars designed for Mars. OMG.
I wrote a novella. Now thinking to hang around Neopoet for a little while until I focus on the next story.
Looking forward to reading your poems.
Look at mine too.

IRiz

wow you love your travels you can put a lot of that into your writing. you could also place excerpts of your novella on the site too. I'm sure they will be arranging jaunts to the moon or Mars over the next ten years just hold your breath and flip through the pages of Philip K. Dick while you wait. So glad you're back look forward to reading you again glad you are enjoying your experiences in life

John

author comment

maybe you could read my latest "A Ballet in Reverse" its about time turning backward. be well IRiz

author comment
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