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The Resolution Is Unmarked By Shards

Submitted by chevyvent on Thu, 2017-03-23 08:49

sounds
puzzles, faces & spaces
We hear the news on the radio
long lines are being formed in the street

vision
twilight
capture a smile
We draw into the silence

Handwriting is on the wall
the soul vexation of the terminally ill
like a cold clap in the dark
you lit the spark to what I need to know

news, views & blues
We each have been given a talent
use this for your benefit
to stand in line

heavy hearts grow together as one
the resolution is unmarked by shards
hence the open door

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2017-03-23 11:15

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the theme and the unique rhyming scheme, just not sure of the last couple of lines. I'm not a big fan of using the same word twice so close together. [explore] Maybe you could find another way to express those last couple of lines? ~ Gee.
.

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swamp-witch

Fri, 2017-03-24 18:08

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I love the title too!

I think Mark and Gee have given you solid advice. Good job on the revisions so far!

If you decide to work on the sense words, like Mark was talking about, consider this:

"Sounds" --> what kinds of sounds? buzzing, chirping, squeaking, screaming, mumbling, etc?
"Vision" --> what kind of visuals? is it a technicolor twilight? foggy and gray twilight? is it like a heavy blanket draped on the horizon or does it seem to float lightly on the edges of clouds?

You can go on: ask yourself sensory questions about how the images feel, look, sound, smell, even maybe taste! For example, is the handwriting an elegant script in ink or smudged pencil scribbles or dirty, ominous scratches?

These are just some sensory words that your poem inspired in me. You might like to play around with them. :)

Take care,
Kelsey

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