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Remember To Forget Me

If the tinkling time-lapse
revives in ribbons
woven with wistfulness
correct
it

If dreamy diaphanous
diary entries enter
the foreground
stop
it

If luscious liquid
movements remembered
return to the scene
desist
it

You must forget me

As to do otherwise
is to tear wrench torture
what's left
of me

I'm left on promenades
walking in straight lines
but not reaching
my destination
jutting out in rough seas

I float a firm footing
over boiling cauldrons
but we all know
the soup is now
spoiled

I can bear all
if you are erased
bleached
whitened
out

Remember to forget me
Who
are
You?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

When we saw a perfect wave breaking, while surfing, we would say
"Not a drop of water out of place."
To say "not a word out of place" is just as miraculous.

You've taken a time-worn theme and made it fresh, you've used exquisite language and unique structure, you have maintained your own power and perhaps best of all, connected to your reader of any gender persuasion.

Excuse my repeated profanity, it happens when I get excited or angry (or awake for that matter) but this is fucking A!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I'll forgive you. Thank you Jess, I really appreciate your comments, I'm trying hard to develop my craft. You have helped me hone and shape my recent work.

Have a Happy Christmas break. Ells x

author comment

the sheep there drinking Yirgacheffee
cream and sugar
drawing rabbit ears noses and tails on
safety suited models in an equipment
mag glossy and boring

there was nothing to add to the business crowd
in my plaster dusted black clothes
but I remained
watching trucks and cars

and thinking
what if I sat with poets
talking poet words
and poet lives

our gossip and formulas

Then I come here again
and re read focusing better
first thing
the aches still distracting me
the dreams still full of their dust
in action

I didnt find poet women in high school
till later
much later
and now here

My favourite lines in your work in this poem
I am loving more and more are this

"as to do otherwise
is to tear wrench torture
whats left of me...."

I remember the breaking points
of many
the human capacity to push beyond
what is known in one for limits

our survival mechanics
for me the greatest stress loads brought
forth the vision to describe to feel in a
clarified exquisit flavour emotions and
depth I could never try to imagine

like a child who stays too cold and gets
frostbitten from play..or from being locked
outside too long... like a swimmer in
the sea dipped with hypothermia..or
too poor for bus fare...not properly dressed
having to cross a city for food..for appointments
for a session of love or nearness to an abject
of affection reciprocal or not

and then this

"Im left on promenades
walking in straight lines
but not reaching my
destination"

that yearning that turns
within unsated and unabated
so raw and full of its dark passion
its realm of lights

at the wavering tip and edge
of it

its easy to describe if one has been
there one or twice
and even more to describe what its like
to go there often
the overwhelmning drive of it
intoxicating and hypnotizing

on the most beautiful of days
inviting one to step into the
forever

be it christmas spring or the
tempest of summer

You have apt described what I know
well

and its not just a physical need
my gains in weight and chase
of additcions gave me no calm
in the end

I can feel this now
inside

and although its most
powerful
its become a part of me

its somewhere not quite
remembering
and somewhere not quite
forgetting

Thank You

Esker, a kindred soul my friend. You get it, thank you.

Have a Happy Christmas, Ells x

author comment

great work betty

just imo though - i actually would prefer this write without the first three stanzas

sorry, but I think they are just a tad pretentious in the presentation and word usage

but I really like the work from ‘You must forget me’, and i think the poem works better from there alone
- lol just me of course

really great imagery
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for that, I do feel the poem is a little in two halves myself....I'd started it one day, left it and returned a week or so later. However, the imagery in the first three stanzas helps to underpin the emotion of the others. I'll take on board what you say and maybe resubmit after the holidays.

Have a Happy Christmas, 'Betty' AKA Ellie x

author comment

I've been back to read this several times and I must
agree with Judy, seems almost like two separate poems,
the beginning of one and then a spectacular poem under it.

Less is almost always more !!! No need to pin the emotions,
the bottom half does it well on its own, just my thoughts and
thank you for allowing us the pleasure of your words.

You have a Merry Christmas,

Richard

forgive me Judyanne and Richard,
but I love the opening stanzas, they are powerful and set the tone for a complete poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

You are forgiven, for being wrong (lol) ... it isn't necessary that we
are in agreement, we wouldn't have our own minds then and this poem
is definitely one of the best I've seen lately regardless of mine and Judy's
suggestions.

Betty, I'd leave it alone now for sure, if for nothing else, just to see how
interesting the commentaries are on it.

again, damn fine poem and thank you !!!

Richard

Someone left one of those stupid inspiration things on Facebook the other day. "You have never met someone who doesn't know something you don't.". I didn't respond but must admit I can at least bluff it 99% of the time [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

exquisite its all been said before me hun

brava

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

exquisite

its all been said before me hun

brava

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

very interesting piece you have here. first 3 stanzas blew me away. after that, it got a little emo but that's just personal preference and doesn't hurt your score :)
paying close attention, plz keep 'em coming.

nullus anxietas
t_f

How's East Anglia these days? I was reading your comment and imagining you talking in your rich dialect...some things you don't forget, do you?

Ells x

author comment

Most unusual, and particular,
an astonishing element that awakes one's mind to understand so much,
without understanding it!

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

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