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Reflections II...

Submitted by Geezer on Mon, 2010-12-06 12:44

I see the light
Do you now?
Yes, I really do

I quake in fright...
You have a fearless brow
No one would think that's you

I see my faults too clearly
Blind men shuffle slowly
I've run away from pain

You've paid a price most dearly
I am the lowest of the lowly
You had nothing you could gain

Pictures don't do justice to my blackened soul
You look just fine to me
Peer deeper, deeper yet

The years have gone by quickly, I was on a roll
You were young and free
Do you see there is regret?

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Part III will take a little while, but I will get to it. ~ Gee
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2011-12-15 12:40

Geezer's picture
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of your advice, but thought that the use of a cliche here serves to give the impression of a devil-may care attitude. It's not a very well-used term these days and I don't think that the use of cliches should be disparaged when they do the job without too much fuss. Thanks for your critique on this one. I never realised that it was on the lonely-list! LOL I must have been either sick or busy with other things. ~ Geezer

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Xavier Sleuth

Tue, 2021-07-27 14:12

Xavier Sleuth's picture

With the rhymes.
Fav part: "Pictures don't do justice to my blackened soul
You look just fine to me
Peer deeper, deeper yet"

'Specially that last line.
Golden stuff here.

-..- -..- -..- -..- -..- -..-
Xtremely busy Xponentially becoming Xcellently at Xactly _____

Geezer

Tue, 2021-07-27 15:29

Geezer's picture
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the rhyme scheme. I worked hard on that! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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