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"REAL MAN'S DOG" (prose to poetry shop)

Here's Wesley's prose entry. Dick knew where it was going the moment the Akita and his young handler arrived at class. He was confident the dog weighed 120 pounds while the boy, all of 12 years old, wouldn't tip the scale at 90. The mother and son had wanted a Labrador, daddy wanted a "man's" dog.
What they got was trouble.
And now, just as he had anticipated, Dick was "hanging" the dog. He had no idea how badly the boy was hurt, but he could hear the sirens in the distance.His attention was solely on his personal stamina. He had seen Bill Koeler, his dad, do this several times and all of them had ended badly. He knew what was requiredand faced it with the same stubborn determination his famous father always had.
Without a weapon no man could hope to best the dog and in truth, as angry as he was at the parents who let this happen, he had no desire to harm the animal. The tools he had were all he needed, a choke chain, leash and nerve, as the dog tore into his forearms and chest. He focused on his breathing and his rapidly depleteing strength. Should he waver and drop the dog before it passed out, Dick would likely die this day.
At last, after what seemed an eternity, holding the Akita as high as possible at the end of a leather leash, the dog faltered. It was suffocating but not fast enough for Dick, when suddenly a hand gripped his shoulder and both the dog and Dick were lowered to the ground. The animal would suffer no ill effects and the man would heal in time. But as soon as Dick could hold his arms above his head again, "daddy" would learn just what"hanging a mad dog" is all about.

..........OBEDIENCE SCHOOL

Memories racing through my head
in midst of fighting for my life
aware that if I stop, I'm dead
widowing my loving wife

This school day began like any other
owners and dogs arrived at nine
a new dog and child with harried mother
with huge Akita, all seemed fine

As the father dropped them off
I heard him yell, "Now be a man
for that is a real man's dog."
then he left in their min-van

Owners and dogs fell in place
(that big dog and that little kid)
dog glaring, not wanting to go
until the child's mother stepped in

First command for all was "sit!"
even the Akita did as told
but still staring at the kid

Having walked farther away
helping another handler,
with attention fixed on his baying beagle
I hear a growl.. then panicked "NO!"

By the time I turn my head
the child lay bleeding on the ground
amid wide-eyed unbelieving screams
of those frozen in paniced fear

I run and lunge for the beast's leash
which, per rules, attatches to choke collar
then drag the dog off now still kid
only in turn, to be attacked

Dog wild-eyed and now berserk
folk looking of in disbelief
I try a trick I hope will work
I'd never "hung" a dog before

So I strain to hoist him off the ground
no small feat with dog this size
to slowly strangle him
to unconciousness, not death

All four feet tearing at my chest
and blood flows from both there and arms
slavering jaws attempting my throat
he slowly tires
as do I

Until now
This moment frozen in time
vague thoughts of vengeance on "daddy"
animals struggles slow, my sight grows dim
loss of blood.....loss of......strength
as I collapse and world turns dim
whose arms are these
which
......catch
..........my
.................Fall

I tore up my 1st attempt. This poem uses a form I came up with a while back called "morphing" In which the poem's form changes as the mood of the poem changes..............stan

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

though I have the same crit of both the prose and the verse- I want a great deal more descriptive detail of punishment metered out to the irresponsible father. Bloody lout should be choke-trained himself.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I decided to go in the other direction. Wes left a bit to the readers' imagination about "daddy"'s eventual fate and I decided to leave his fate almostentirely to imagination. Chke collar him? punch his lights out? verbally throttle him?....each person is left to their own devices in meting out punishment. BTW..no comment on new form?.........stan

author comment

concrete poetry seldom works, it evenlost it's formatting here.
Except you mean the morphing form... you know I think it is too subtle to achieve the desired effect (what was the desired effect?), it looks more like loss off control, the differences could be more tightly controlled and the changes of form more extreme to perhaps indicate time slowing down as our thoughts race.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

The morphing form is Supposed to be subtle. By the time reader reaches end of poem it should come as a bit of surprise that he/she is no longer reading the same type poetry. The intended effect was to mirror the loss of strength and control which the protagonist endured. It may well be that the change in form is Too gradual to suit this particular subject, but that's what will be addressed in final edit............stan

author comment

you will have to make more than usual consideration of your reader. A nursery rhyme turned to a freeform Itchy and Scratchy cartoon could be understood my almost everyone. However subtle variations in form can be perceived as the vagaries of the poet. You yourself regard part of your inconsistency as your style.

So I think the changes in form would need to be dramatic, which would in turn have to suit the nature of the poem, which in this case, it would.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Before I came up with morphing form I posted a couple of poems which abruptly changed from rhyming to free verse. Neither seemed to go over well so I'm trying to hit the fine line between too abrupt and too gradual. It may well be that this morping form should be limited to shorter poems but I guess we'll see as this form matures.......stan

author comment

this would be considered poetry of course, as it rhymes and has rhythm of sorts
so what am i supposed to crit?

i have to say that i don't find the last lines appealing at all, but then i don't really like the sort of write that attempts visual - not my cup of tea lol unless done really well

a good write, but i'm unable to really comment re the prose to poetry as it is so obviously poetic form...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Seemed that almost everybody was converting to free verse. Almost all other forms were being ignored. This is actually my 3rd version. I tried metered rhyme but it didn't seem to fit the subject. I then tried descriptive free verse. Too much the same as everybody else. Then I remembered the morphing form I'd developed and it hit me. This could be well used to convey the changes within the story while also displaying various forms not yet used in this shop. So it went from strict to loose western classic to blank verse to semi-metered free verse to more or less straight free verse and ended with concrete poetry. (the concrete didn't transcribe as planned though).What are you supposed to crit? lol there's plenty to crit in this hastily written piece......................stan

author comment

obviously it is poetry - verse lol - my old argument
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Things one can still critique........Many subjects are best dealt with by writing in a particular form. So do you think the chosen form was best or would another be better suited. And what Of this new form? Do you think it works well or not? Did I change too much too freely from the prose write? Is title fitting? plenty,plenty to critique on this or any other shop poem other than whether the poem IS poetry.............stan

author comment

the form wasn't my cup of tea
don't see the point in the change
- but of course, that's just me and taste
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

The title, feels clinical, and does not capture the essence of the emotions and events of the poem. Somehow it needs to convey the dangerious situation, IMHO.

I like your morphing style, but I did notice the changes in style as I read along this horrifying experience. I can find no fault with this write. I do like the ending... it gave an added touch of feeling to the poem. My senses heightened with this section of the poem:

All four feet tearing at my chest
and blood flows from both there and arms
slavering jaws attempting my throat
he slowly tires
as do I

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Thank you for giving such good feedback about this experimental form. I'll think some more about the title.........stan

author comment

Hi Stan, I hadn't found this before, apologies, still working out how to find workshop works easily.

There were parts of this write I felt worked really well, but for me, over-all the transitions (morphing) were just a distraction (personal opinion), I was surprised by them, wondered how you could be so sloppy (no offense), then was relieved when I read the final comment. For me it didn't work as a subtle transformation, it felt disjointed, I love the concept, but maybe not with this one?

You do need to do a bit of a spell check too, I'm sure I don't need to point out the words, one read through & I think you'd catch them all (I hope you don't mind the direct pointer here).

I actually thought the management of the first stanza was very entertaining... if you did that throughout the poem it would end up a bit of a parody I suppose, which may not appeal. Your choice of words & descriptors was good & I noted some little fills that added to the sense of mischief overall. A good effort in terms of capturing the essence of the story & point I reckon.

Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

... First let me address Judyanne. You mentioned that Stan's write was poetic because it rhymed and had a meter of sorts. I don't want to sound like I'm picking on you, but if you were unable to produce the slick, potent verse that you do I wouldn't go this direction at all... and I've not read anything you've been posting beyond "Epic" (my gosh, I disappear for a few days and your profile is overcome with new stuff... how ever shall I catch up?). You are a poet of intense natural ability, so I'm going to trust you see the difference between good verse and bad. If one can see that, one can see much more than rhyme/rhythm. We want your on going thoughts concerning these differences.

It's more difficult for me to critique this as I was there when Dick pulled this stunt off. None of us were in any danger and the boy was not harmed as seriously as my story lets on (Dick must have heard the sirens, for the authorities were called). I guess if I have a complaint about the poem it would be the almost "fictional" feel to it. The slightly hyperbolic attitude of an adventure hero doing something that took great courage. Dick didn't need or use courage. I have every confidence that through his "hanging" of the dog (a standard technique that I also have been taught to do) the only thing on Dick's mind was how hard he was going to verbally lay into "pop" for bringing such a dog to his class and how he was going to lay into Theresa (his secretary) for not vetting this combination herself more carefully (it was her responsibility).

Although the style is still new to you Stan, I've seen you use it elsewhere to effect and I think it a good choice for this subject. It may be this won't work unless you 1) have a much longer piece in mind so that the change can be made more slowly or 2) the poem focused exclusively on one element amid others (e.g. Dick's thought patterns and consciousness). It's true Dick was a bloody wreck when it was done and if you didn't know him (I did) you might have thought the man lost.

So all may know, Dick Keohler was the oldest son of Bill Keohler who developed the Canine Corps. for the U.S. Army during WW2. After leaving the Army, Bill became Director of Animal Training for Walt Disney Prod.. (Dick worked with him throughout ). During the 1970's Bill codified the method of instruction that is the now the basis of 98% of all police K9 corps. in the U.S. He died in 1989 without my having met him. I trained with Dick (who they say was bigger and meaner, if such a thing can be) until 1993 when he retired.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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i'm afraid i was a little miffed when i wrote my comment
what i was trying to get at, is that if something is written in form - with or without rhyme, it would be considered poetry (lol good or bad notwithstanding - i wasn't intending to go there)
i was attempting to clarify the difference between poetry and prose and poetic prose... usually if written in free form it is often difficult to analyse whether it is prose or poetry ('good' or 'bad')
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

In my book if one is not writing prose with a bit of elegance (metaphor, description, et. al.) then one is writing a recipe. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

newspapers are prose. The best books contain Some poetic prose. The problem I've seen with poetic prose is the tendency for writer to become a bit too "flowery" or over describing their work...........stan

author comment

What you are describing as common prose, to me is nothing more than poor prose. Newpapers can be boring, but I have still read Headline articles that were stirring and interesting beyond their subject matter. I guess I need an agreed upon example of "poetic prose" before you'll have me looking at it differently. Until then it's just the difference between bad and good. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Well I had no idea this was atrue story nor that you actually witnessed it. Iwould have tried harder to stick to the story line if I had. I appreciate your clarifying this but I guess it's too late to do a total rewrite for the shop.........stan

author comment

Harking back to Jess' comments on several attempts I think once the prose was let loose to the transforming poet, it needed to be free to be adapted as seen fit, I think the most successful transformations were those that gave the poem a life of their own & in Jess' words (don't remember exactly), were not limited by fear of upsetting the prose writer.

I think, you would have made this more cumbersome had you had to consider all the true life situations... I wish I had not known that situation with my own attempt here I feel it put pressure (my own, no -one elses) on to stay true to the prose story & I found it hard to develop a version I could work with, for fear of offending... I wear my own stroll into mediocrity as a result of my choice to remain true to the story... but I learned a lot from it.

I think we should have had free reign to make the poem work as we saw fit remaining true to the skeleton of the prose, but not dictated by how precious it was to the original writer... this should not have been offensive.

There were some things about the poetry that came from my prose, that completely missed the point in my mind... but that point was in my head & clearly the transforming poet didn't see them, so bad luck, a good poem was created. The fact that the main point of my prose (in my head anyway) was that it is often in nature that we find meditation & gratitude or whatever, was not evident to or carried through by the transformer & nor should it have been necessarily.

All of this is of course open for debate & I welcome it.

Cheers
Anni

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

I don't think at any point did I ever suggest that each poem had to follow the prose point for point. However in Wes's prose submission, If I'd known more detail and that it was based on a true event I might well have taken a different direction in writing the poem version. It would have taken more thought, but this poem has already left the pen so it's too late to say Uh Oh now lol.............stan

author comment

Yep, it was just a general comment about all of us working with prose that was from true circumstances, I guess I wish I hadn't known, but then in the end it was my choice to deal with it the way I did, so no complaint, I take responsibility.
A

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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