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READY, AIM.........
Let loose the red eyed horses
to pull the rattling hearse
for the battle just begun
is destined to grow worse.
And loose the hounds of hatred
to demonize the wretched foe
so death can be dealt sans hesitation
in fields where blood shall flow.
Beat the rage into cold steel
to replace gentleness within your chest
for killing must now become easy
while on this unforgiving quest.
Lastly, don the cloak of righteousness;
convince yourself that you are right
just as the foe has also done
whose lust for war also burns bright.
Then finally loose the deep berserk
wield death and carnage in your hand
while delivering the just revenge
to that far off land.......
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2015-10-28 18:56
Ready, aim...
right on the money with the story! I liked it much, but there are a few places where you could change or leave out a word and still keep the meaning, and smooth out the rhythm. ~ Gee
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scribbler
Thu, 2015-10-29 08:49
Hi Gee
Imagine the rhythm being off in something I wrote lol. I'll return to this at some point and see if I call bulldoze some of the bumps. Thanks for the visit........stan
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-10-29 17:29
A little...
"put on the whole armor of God...".
Different for you. Better. Variety is good. Wish I could write something other than my BAP. Ah well, the workshop will force me to.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Thu, 2015-10-29 22:46
I DO
try different themes at times lol. Have you considered that shorter branches could be written on your BAP?
author commentwesley snow
Fri, 2015-10-30 16:42
I have many.
A short story, a number of poems using characters from the BAP. My Ballade will be based on the poem. It will tease the story of Princess Claire of Tiraton.
The Felling of the King is here on site if you want to look at it.
https://www.neopoet.com/node/felling-king
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
wesley snow
Fri, 2015-10-30 16:42
I have many.
A short story, a number of poems using characters from the BAP. My Ballade will be based on the poem. It will tease the story of Princess Claire of Tiraton.
The Felling of the King is here on site if you want to look at it.
https://www.neopoet.com/node/felling-king
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Fri, 2015-10-30 20:13
You have
so many it takes 2 posts to announce them lol. Double posts are a pain aren't they? Should you want practice with a very short form which isn't Japanese you might try Rhyku...........stan
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2015-11-01 04:37
hi Stan
Here I am - MM
Love the write - theme and presentation very strong .... but.... lol
meter needs attention (suprise)
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Sun, 2015-11-01 14:33
Hi Judy
I guess with your return I'll have to start paying more attention to rhythm lol. Good to see you back and picking at me ...........stan
author commentwesley snow
Sun, 2015-11-01 15:00
Yes Judy,
It's good to have you back. Never leave again. You are needed.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about