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Re-born

I strolled a state park with a child,
felt young.
I helped a blind man cross the street,
felt good.
I crawled the floor with a baby,
felt innocent.

I marched alongside a soldier.
felt small.
I looked in the beggar's bowl,
felt vacant.
I swept the horizon
felt tiny.

I walked in the rain,
felt cloudy.
I looked at the rainbow
turned blind.
I saw a bird soar,
felt stuck.

I saw a corpse,
felt stupid

Between a bat of eyelids,
I was reborn.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

it has depth and an effective structure. If you don't mind I'll read it twice, the second time with some suggestions.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0FFpnez5rzw
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1QwLeErCPvR

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you for your time and comment which is appreciated. You are most welcome to read it and offer suggestions. It was an attempt on my part to draw attention to simple good things in life in Stanza 1 and in Stanza 2 & 3 to show how our mind is influenced positively or negatively by similar circumstances which is subjective and in the closing lines the impact of looking at death and realizing that there is plenty to live for and hence "re-born". I hope this attempt is perceived by the readers. There are though multiple ways in which the first three stanzas can be perceived, I leave that for the readers to explore.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Thanks a lot for reading out the poem twice in your crisp nicely modulated voice. Upon hearing both versions, the second with your suggestions, I could appreciate your suggestions which are spot on and definitely helped in improving the meter. Your suggestions are appreciated and implemented.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

but very beautiful, Raj. thank you for sharing

Alid

Thank you for your appreciative comment. In fact one of the underlying themes of this poem I have attempted is "life is simple and beautiful but we get influenced over a period of time either positively or negatively or both, till we re-discover the gift of life (re-born)".

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

very true..

Alid

You are a poet of class

who can feel the pulse
alas,
of normal human beings
and things mundane

a wonderful bliss
does your mind contain

some day maybe ....I shall like you ....want to be
but then we all are totally different
in mind and perception

I’m just a scratch on an old newspaper
about to be garbaged
by my granddaughter
your poetry is lovely
ecstatic too
may the Almighty
bless you

loved

This is really lovely I cant see anything to offer in the way of suggestions, I thoroughly enjoyed the read thanks for sharing

nice work, oh and beautiful readings again Jess...

much love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thanks for the read and appreciative comment it works like tonic ...

much love n hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

overstepped did I

loved

Apologies! I always welcome comments and critiques from everyone including you. thank you for your comment and appreciation. I just write what comes to mind and still consider myself on a learning curve.

Once again sorry if you felt i ignored your comment which was not at all my intention.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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