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raw

Submitted by loved on Fri, 2012-06-01 07:52

Some fruits eaten raw are better than fresh
your poetry is like raw mangoes
sweeter than sweet,
hard but finally soft
the breeze takes my heart away
every time I go to the sea,
I always feel so happy
with my spouse and me
at times,
I love to see other folks in bikinis
then my eyes open,
when they all smile at me
my torso is beyond imagination
round and round
some in my looks wish
I’d happiness have found
the breeze and the beach
are my signs of love
and
all else is useless
except all poetry above

As per experts edit ....Do read this......

Some fruits eaten raw are better than fresh
your poetry is like raw mangoes
sweeter than sweet

the breeze takes my heart away
every time I go to the sea
I always feel so happy
with my spouse
at times
I love to see other folks in bikinis
then my eyes open
when they all smile at me
my torso is beyond imagination
round and round…

the breeze and the beach
are my signs of love
and
all else is useless
except
poetry

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-06-01 11:17

weirdelf's picture
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You are looking for and finding gems and using them to construct meaning.

Kudos.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

loved

Fri, 2012-06-01 11:52

loved's picture

you have been the best sledge hammer ever
hence
the coherence

loved

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-06-01 14:16

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

this is my cull, imho only i stress, and i don't want you to think you should use it.
but i do want you to look at it, compare it to yours, and try to see why i say you waffle :)

Some fruits eaten raw are better than fresh
your poetry is like raw mangoes
sweeter than sweet

the breeze takes my heart away
every time I go to the sea
I always feel so happy
with my spouse
at times
I love to see other folks in bikinis
then my eyes open
when they all smile at me
my torso is beyond imagination
round and round…

the breeze and the beach
are my signs of love
and
all else is useless
except
poetry

love and biggest hugs
judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

loved

Fri, 2012-06-01 23:55

loved's picture

hence my waffle
comes to life
with your brush
and
I accept .
this one as yours ,
maybe half combined .
thanks
Judy

when a mind thinks
it just spews ,
then the doctor computer
comes to play
and
that becomes the actual
should have been
foreplay ,
oh my what did I say!

loved

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-06-02 00:58

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

it is your write - i just edited it

but i'm just trying to say that before you submit your writes you should leave them for a while and then go back and cull them yourself ... you have a unique voice that i love - when you are succinct :)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

loved

Sat, 2012-06-02 01:51

loved's picture

thanks
shall
regards
loved

loved

author comment
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