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Rakuen

Submitted by The Rain Sprite on Sat, 2016-12-31 08:48

Under the vast expanse
of the firmament,
the lilies of the valley
flutter in the wind.

There you sigh
While feeling the warmth
of the gentle sun.

The water trickles
and trees dance.
The reeds play their tune;
the birds sing.

You are there
having pleasure as you listen
to such glorious symphony.

The warm afternoon
casts a sleepy spell upon you.

Close your eyes,
my light sleeper.
Lie down on the soft, green grass;
close your eyes with a smile.
Enjoy this serenity
For life is bitter,
my dear;
for life is sweet,
my dreamer.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

valene

Sun, 2017-01-01 13:26

This piece definitely comes with the feeling of serenity. Your imagery is well done with the words you've chosen....beginning with the first verse and continuing throughout. I liked your ending 'For life is bitter my dear, for life is sweet, my dreamer'......it ties your thoughts together nicely.
I did look up 'Rakuen' to find out it's actual meaning and found it's a Japanese word meaning:
paradise, pleasure garden. I believe you've conveyed that quite well!
I also found there's a video game with this name.

Happy 2017!

valene

The Rain Sprite

Mon, 2017-01-02 11:11

The Rain Sprite's picture

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for taking the time to read and ejnoy. Glad the meaning has reached you. Oh my, I didn't know there is actually a game for it. I love the sound of "rakuen"... It seems to leave behind a trace of calm and sweetness in my lips whenever I enunciate it.

Happy 2017 to you, too. May this year be a fruitful year to you

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

author comment

valene

Mon, 2017-01-02 11:43

I loved the meaning and am glad I've learned a new word thanks to you!
I know this was the 1st poem of yours I've read, but sense you have a peaceful, spiritual nature and even your choice of pictures goes along with that! I see it was a wonderful quality to possess!
When I was googling the word, this video game came up. I didn't look at the sites closely, but from the brief descriptions, I have a feeling the game might follow through with the meaning of the word.

Best wishes,

val

Sparrow

Mon, 2017-01-02 03:51

Sparrow's picture
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A read of feelings and touching nature, though I felt that you were holding back.
Some of your short lines became blunted by words such as, vast, flutter, dance , tune and sing, I just felt though the piece was good to read the flowing words were lacking.
Write a similar piece and let more descriptive words come in that will join the soul to the theme.
Take care out there and I look forward to your next piece,
Yours, Sparrow..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

The Rain Sprite

Mon, 2017-01-02 11:15

The Rain Sprite's picture

You got me there. Honestly, my brows knotted so many times when I read those lines over and over again. I had this feeling they were somehow breaking the rhytm and the flow. Iwas trying to create a calm "tune", but indeed those words are not fitting. Perhaps when inspiration pops up, I will revise this. Thank you for poiting it out and for the suggestions and encouragement as well.

Happy New Year

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2017-01-02 16:01

Esker's picture

brilliant friend of mine who had enough of my harried ramblings..
then as now...Told me to sit on a quartz boulder and watch minnows
which I did...and I needed that time out....the large high hoe broke
and we layed in the grass with daisies watching clouds for thirty
minutes....To this day I remember this! we busted our ass
from June till October on that property losing weight....but getting
so much done!! that half hour....sticks with me...Taking time
to relax is not something I can do easily as some!

this poem is about dreaming and the dreamers
I was always just such a being!

the brilliant and good looking boys on the top up
here liked me and dragged me off to the falls
river one day for meditation...made me sit still
for fifteen minutes....something I had done
and swore to do each year..But I did it for
only two years in a row.....What if they need me
at home...Someone has to be there....
I have to be in control...
I missed out on all of those years!!
I made myself just crash on the beach
last spring...so peaceful...letting go...relaxing...
sound so easy.....

This poem is so peaceful and beautiful!
why I dig poetry to begin with...
and read it much...
then and now....

I enjoy your writing very much
thank U! The Rain Sprite!

Mr Wolf!

The Rain Sprite

Fri, 2017-01-06 22:25

The Rain Sprite's picture

Such lovely memory indeed makes us smile and sigh!

I yearn for those days when I was a child and free. I remember I would spend hours just sitting amidst the field of grasses and flowers with eyes admiring the blue sky. Many a day I spent alone in that place. Although there was no company to share that beauty with, I was not lonely at all. My heart was filled with serenity and warmth. I was happy.

Those bygone days often bring forth tears in my eyes.
The sky back then and the sky now, what has changed?
Those dreamy eyes full of awe
and the eyes now devoid of meaning,
Are they not the same pair of eyes
That once gasped at the sight of
The infinite heavens above
And the sea of nameless flowers?
Perhaps, everything changes
ANd yet, the sky remains unchanged (Quoted from my much older poem Reverie)

Thank you for sharing such memory and for everything else, Mr Wolf!

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

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