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No one knows where she came from or where she has been
Her heart has been baptized in a world immersed in sin
Walking a destructive path trying to contain indignant pains from within
Removing the stench of humanity that coarsens her delicate skin

She had desires, her flesh rest upon test that left her stressed
Her soul screams in agony from the lassitude of eternal unrest
Lies resembled daggers that simply pierced through her frail chest
And even though she lives; it’s as if she walking in the valley of death

She too far gone, what has happened to her will to continue on
Blackness is her only calling; as she listens to the ravens’ dark song
No strength to lift the world’s deceptions, there is no creation that strong
And only one she can turn to is the Magnificent Lord of the Dawn

Yet she is weak, the things she seeks seem so askew and bleak
She tired of the pain, but the pain will not let her sleep
So she walking a path; a path that is becoming physically and mentally steep
Sadly there is no rest for the weary; stricken by the darkness of those she meets

B£@CK PĦ0€ŊĨX: The Lyrical Assassin Brotherhood © 2014

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


Not much content to be filled with so
many words. Nothing to grab for me, sorry.
I like the character but she needs more than
existence to be interesting.


I read your profile which stated that this work was not for the weak of mind or something like that. This is candy compared to some of the things I read from Henry Rollins and others. It is also a little sugar coated compared to stuff that I write. And, as Richard stated, there isn't much content. Try describing and detailing the "rage" that is supposed to be felt. didn't get it from the words you offered.




like the word use....i like paragraph form for narrative poetry and writing..
i like the poem..a why about a response..
morning star..great touch!

like the word flow too....

"coarsens her delicate skin"

the old adage.."thin skinned"

i like the missing "is"

describe something without describing it
its a textual dance
without perspection
depth a card yet overturned
on a gambled hand

i feel that the very quest the described
persona the narrative gives
is the same the reader ponders..

thank you!

Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet site we are here to learn and teach in many ways the art of poetry, from classic form to none sense, so enjoy .
The critique is part of each day and you have attracted some good poets already.
As 8Men, I read your profile as I always do.
This piece is not up to those standards stated there, the theme is fine the list of ingredients are there, but need mixing to make a fine piece.
Some of the tenses are mixed was, is and maybe, just take care with words that need to be ended with ing or ed they swing between what was, and what is, lets hear more of her feelings and what she is in herself, look forward to more of your writes, could be a companion for Nevermore, Killer, or Digit.
Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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