Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Radius

Submitted by Search on Wed, 2012-02-15 01:04

I see my dream in plain view
I only watch
We have our arms
We will not raise them
No one is dreaming any further
The light has stopped flickering beside me
It must mean the thoughts have ceased
No one will reach for the dream.

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-02-17 02:24

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

but lacks poetic qualities. A list of lines. Try some an enjambment and for more musicality of language. Assonance, consonance, even rhyme.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Search

Fri, 2012-02-17 03:47

Search's picture

Thanks for the tips. Did you ever figure out what N.A.Y.A stands for?

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-02-17 03:57

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Tricks are for kids.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.