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Racing Nights...

The prospect of a ride brightened up my night
Through the inky blackness
Came a set of lights

The car went madly by, as I quickly jumped
The driver was a lady
Whose finger, skyward pumped

She yelled an obscene question, that I barely heard
She was a LADY, did I mention?
I gave her back, the bird

Then the sound of braking, tire squeal and all
Smoking wheels now in reverse
Oh, Lord! I was in thrall

Beautiful and dangerous, a hot car beneath her skirt
I was twenty-one and horny
I looked good without my shirt

She drove us to distraction, a really heightened state
Through the night we fell
At a supersonic rate

We drove in every race, sometimes came in last
Won enough to live on
Kept going, oh, so fast

Disappearing persons, I didn't see the signs
People come and go
They do it all the time

A roadie that went missing, left without a word
One mechanic left his tools
They said that was absurd!

She looked so fresh and ageless, never did I see
A wrinkle or a gray hair
I was as blind as I could be

We were stranded for awhile, in a desert storm
She seemed to weaken then
She wasn't quite her norm

I was woken by a sound, a hissing, sibilant breath
She was bending over me
Her eyes reflected death

Just then there was a pounding, on the trailer door
I knew it was my savior
I wasn't ignorant any more

The stranger made apologies, said his name was Fred
Lost his way a traveling
Almost wound up dead!

“Come on in here man, sure, you'll stay the night”
I gave him lots of beer
“You certainly are a sight!”

Little did he know, he'd be gone before the dawn
Still here but not alive
I made a great big yawn

She stared at him like food; he thought he had a shot
He's thinking that he's lucky
I thought that he was not

I shut the door and walked away, it didn't make me mad
She did the deed real quiet
And it didn't seem so bad

Forty dollars, a chain of gold and cowboy boots that fit
I might get to like this
Long as I ain't one that's bit

Racing's still lots of fun, we win and some we lose
She nods her head or shakes it no
When it's time to choose

I make sure that she's well fed, I get to keep the loot
I have a secret silver bullet
In case I have to shoot

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Started out without much direction and just kept going until I could find a way to put the brakes on and end it! Sometimes these things just get away from me and careen out of control. ~ Gee.
Editing stage: 

Comments

got lots of yawl

a different pace and feel
to this....more relaxed
got a good flow to it
I like the story built
into the descripts and
walking dialogue

plot...

jazzy and dark
with much smoke
and light.

thank U!

It just started like a hot motor and wouldn't stop! I was stuck a couple of times, but just couldn't let go and worked at it until I got it! I had an idea that I started with and somehow the thing got all twisted and went it's own way. I guess sometimes that's the best way, huh? Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Gee

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Oh I absolutely adore this this. Great rhythm, flow and super plot. Love a bit of gothic and this just fits the bill. Read it a couple of times now, really enjoyed it.
I wouldn't suggest any changes, just great as it is.
Made me grin. Jxx

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to hear! I want my poems to make you grin and feel that you connect with the character/s! Well, this one anyway. Sometime, I might ask you to feel something different and I hope I succeed there too! Thanks for the enthusiastic endorsement! ~ Gee
P.S. You Aussies have a good sense of humor, I know that you must like some of Killer's exploits. Have you seen the one called "Aussie Job"?

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I agree the Aussies have a fantastic sense of humour, so do us Brits, although for some of us, that is a little stretched today. [email protected] Jxx

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somehow had the impression you were Aussie, maybe from reading too many bios at one time?
Yes, I love the Brit. dry, sarcastic sense of humor. It shows in almost everything you do. Many of the comedy shows that I watched in my twenties and thirties had Brits in them. Benny Hill was a staple
Four on the Floor was hilarious! Don't worry, I'm sure that the British stoicism will see your country through whatever hard times may arise because of the recent political-turmoil. My best wishes for you and your country, ~ Gee.

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Would be very honoured to be an honorary Aussie :-) :-) Jxx

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something about the rhythm that bothered me and I finally found and fixed it! I had one too many lines about 3/4 of the way through the poem! I'm surprised that nobody called me on it! Anyways, I think it made it a whole lot better to delete the line. ~ Gee.

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I think, well certainly for me, I was so engrossed in the story, I didn't notice. Jx

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found myself transfixed with the story and also the lingering nuance about what the bullet might be needed for added intrigue - great tale, related with pace and power - well done!

This my kind of poetry! I love rhyme and stories! I think that it must be because of my Native American heritage. I have it from both sides of parents. Different tribes but still...
The bullet does add a bit of mystery to it, doesn't it? Thanks for the read and comment.~ Gee.

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Rhyme and stories is a great way to entertain well - and some spice with a bullet too! ;))

Made me grin
great galloping rhythm that assists with the 'ride' lol
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I knew you would like it! Thought that I would write a Killer poem and this is what turned out.
Sometimes, one just gets away and does it's own thing. This was one of those times! I got caught up in the race and thought to myself, as long as I'm in it, I may as well drive hard and try to win the damn thing! LOL. Love ya, ~ Gee.

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you surely are

I just read your comments
on Serendipity's
both of you have earned
a name on Neo

I still have to make a place
some day
one day
if not today
I too will be

unassailable

in a Palace
called Neo's
SPECIAL POSTS!

I'm so glad that you like my work! You are slowly evolving into a really good poet yourself!
I read most of your works and even if I don't comment, I still have an opinion. keep writing and gain consistency and you will succeed! Look at the replies that you get on your poems and you will see when you have failed and succeeded. We all try to be honest in our critique and hope that each and every comment will be taken in the best of light. ~ Gee

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