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A Quatern.. When Summer Dies

When Summer dies as Fall's endorsed
the greenness fades away-expires
no color paints nor bird upsoars
as coldness creeps and warmth retires.

The leaves ignore the blissful life,
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed.
While blown, each leaf enfolds a strife
to tell a life it oft adores.

The beasts in peace shall sleep with snores,
awaiting Spring to warm again
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed,
the creatures have a little gain.

But oceans, seas, and lakes survive,
infusing life with more than shores
to keep the earth awhile revive,
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I have parsed the piece just as a practice .

 

When Summ||er dies|| to Fall ||endorse|| 
the green||ess pass||es 'way ||, expires|
no col||or paints|| nor bird|| upsores
as cold||ness creeps|| and warmth||retires||.

The leaves|| ignore|| the bliss||ful life||,
when Summ||er dies|| to Fall|| endorse.
While blown||, each leaf 's|| a strife||
to tell ||a life|| it oft|| adores||.

 The beasts|| in peace| |shall sleep ||with snores,
Await||ing Spring|| to warm| again||
when Summ||er dies|| for Falls|| endorse||, 
the crea||tures have| a litt||le gain||.

But o||ceans, seas||, and lakes|| survive,||
infus|ing life|| with more|| than shores||
to keep||the earth|| awhile|| revive||,
when Summ||er dies|| to Fall ||endorse.||
 

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

‘when Summer dies to Fall endorse’
'endorse', to my knowledge of the word, doesn't really fit in this context rula
perhaps something like
‘when Summer dies to Fall’s soft force’

 ‘the greenness passes 'way , expires’ – I will start calling this lazy – it really doesn’t work (for me anyway) some other shortenings are fine – but not ‘away’ – at least not in the middle of a verse – maybe at the beginning…

maybe something like
'the greenness - leaves and grass - expires'

and  iambic out in one line only, as far as I see - well done
‘While blown, | each leaf | has a | strife’

i’ll leaf (lol) you to work on it

spell check - 'bird upsores' - 'up soars'

love judy
xxx

 

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

endores: though I am using it for the first time, I checked the meaning. One of the meanings was :-"Sign as evidence of legal transfer"
May be we can have other opinions if you don't mind it dear Judy.:) I know you don't

Any other changes depend on this one . It is almost the key. I spend a few hours changing this morning and unfortunately for the worst.:(

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

up soars (I looked this up as sometimes words change spelling, sore can describe the reddish brown plumage a young eagle acquires so maybe I'm wrong?)
I thought 'snores' sounded funny and wasn't intended to.
S3 typo Falls
Using any archaic terms like 'twas' 'tis, 'way immediately dates verse, really should be a last resort.
I liked this, very assured technically, and a pleasure to read.
best wishes
ross

and many thanks for giving the time.
It should have been Upsoars and according to my mentor Mr. Wesley, it is like upsoars one word. Maybe archaic I am not sure . It is my fault . I spelled it wrongly.

I shall look over snores again if you say it is not suitable after deciding the key word.
and as I promised , I shall minimize the use of the abbreviated words

Your reading and commenting is really appreciated. Regards.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

Fall up shows
life down slows,
– no rula-

it is awful English, you cannot get away with reverse syntax here
- as you have thrown away the rhyme, why not just say 'as fall shows up' and ' life slows down'?

and why did you change it all anyway? it was fine before – you’ve thrown out really good stuff

sorry – what you have now isn’t as good as what you had to start – all imo of course

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

You have to blame our dear Wesley . I know he didn't approve my changes but he never punished me for inverted syntax. Different schools perhaps?!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

and
" Fall shows up"
"slows down "
is what I like too but then the rhyme , I need then to change many lines unless it is ok to sacrifice the rhyme scheme.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

in it's place - but there are some that you just can't do - that simply become bad grammar

and you have already messed with the rhyme you had - it no longer rhymes throughout

however you can always write it in blank verse - there is no set rule for the rhyme scheme of the quatern

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

where i have thrown the rhyme judy
Seems it is not my day:)

I thought you said that endorse is not acceptable in this text so I thought I have changed to something more acceptable.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

soars, pause, shores, do not rhyme with shows
clears doesn’t rhyme with creeps
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

but at least near rhymes
Now what?
Back to endores if I want to keep the rhyme scheme at least to some certain limit.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

you only had a few things to fix - and there were solutions without changing the whole poem
:)
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

May be I have rushed the changes a bit. I didn't give enough thought. I love your suggestions of course, I trust your taste and knowladge but my problem is that I still like to keep it "RULANIAN" stubbornness??Is is?Not quite sure what to call it :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

i simply meant that you only had two verses to work on, and there are other solutions to those verses

- you didn't need change the whole poem :)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

"up soars"
and the rest.. takes originality to write like this
and bravado
makes my mind bend
which is great

so I enjoyed reading this
because it does veer away from
conventional as it does

but for a work
for something different
it works for this old poet

and lets face it
in the fall up here in our north
there are great winds
that break things

Up soars

oh yes many things do

thank You

don't think that that means i didn't like 'up soars rula' - i do

but i loved the write better as you first had it
you did what jess warns you against
you threw out some of the baby with the bathwater :)
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I am SPEECHLESS in front of your words. It is not that I don't appreciate everyone's else comments and suggestions but may be your words came in the right time to give me a needed boost.
If you have time I would appreciate to have your opinion concerning the first version , Which one do you think works better ?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

i hate to throw a spanner in the works but I liked' Fall endorse', it suggests Summer recommends Autumn to us , its pure poetic licence but isn't that what we're into here. This version seems to have a changing rhyme scheme which is also intriguing although i think the near rhymes of enclose/upsoars etc is stretching the sonics.

Thanks for the second read. You must know your suggestions and comments are always highly valued.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

rula – put back the original hon
but just change it a little to
When Summer dies and (or ‘as’) Fall’s endorsed

and then add a foot to 'while blown | each leaf 's | a strife'
- maybe do something about ' 'way '

and you will be fine
it is a beautiful poem
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks dear Judy for the suggestions and the time .Appreciated.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

author comment

'Fall' - needs to be 'Fall's' as in 'Fall is' for the line to make proper sense
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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