Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Purporting Peace

Submitted by Rula on Mon, 2018-10-01 12:23

Broken walls, empty halls, danger's an owl,
burning barrels hail with devil's anger.
Bight days as well as darkness howl and howl,
bang bang, am I e'er deaf to the clangor?

No river_banks to walk along, no strolls,
Ninja's powered breaths burned the vacuumed wood.
Noisy sea_gulls once were, now fear the trolls,
nothing's left where ancient histories stood.

Peace conferences, presidents and kings
playing music in fakers' ceremony.
Protocols, and propoganda things,
peace and war never live in harmony.

Barely could lilies bloom in my homeland,
for how would they, when in gut_watered sand!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

For the hundreds who daily die because of wars and penury around the world.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

lovedly

Mon, 2018-10-01 13:01

SLIGHTLY different

to my piece you missed
GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
STREAMLINED HERE ALSO

raj

Mon, 2018-10-01 14:09

Hi Rula this one is tough for me as is the form which appears to be an Elizabthean sonnet....you are known to challenge yourself as you have once again done...bravo..
............................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Roscoe Lane

Mon, 2018-10-01 15:30

I send,

I send no critique, just love, and the hope to one day see you, and your people stroll along peaceful riverbanks. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-10-01 17:51

a very good and haunting poem

filled with very dense ironies and truths. Using a sonnet form but hiding nicely behind it. This is a highly well-crafted poem, filled with desperate frustration and anger. From the opening line on...

If I had to, to avoid a fine, suggest one little thing, I would consider the word "gore". Used more as a verb, not an adjective. I would consider 'gut watered sand' (says the same, and added sound bites)

Brilliant poem. From the guts.
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Sparrow

Mon, 2018-10-01 19:31

Rula

Loved this piece, I am so sorry for all the things that you and your people have lost over the years, but in these days it is frowned on to be on one side or the other.
I feel your cry it echoes through my space and time, I would love for you to be able to walk freely by the waters side, we are locked in that human weakness, where wars are appreciated more so than the people whose land has been divided.
You take care young Lady and learn that you are unique as are all people.
One day as time is forgotten and folds into nothing there we will be given the true understanding of why..
Yours as always, Ian xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Rula

Wed, 2018-10-03 02:31

Thank you

gentlemen! It was great to find such great comments from you. I'm really humbled. The world is a mess here and in many parts of the world, hence it wasn't too difficult to write this one I guess.
Mark, many thanks for the heads up. I've edited as suggested.
Highly appreciated.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment

Neopoet

Purporting Peace