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Puppeteer

Puppeteer, Puppeteer;

You have displayed quite a show.

Your puppeteering talents are rivaled by none.

Invisible strings fastened to your abominable mind,

conjuring up horrors and savagery,

to gift your puppet each night.

Your desire is raucous, eternally starved for more.

"Dance, Puppet, dance! You're all that I have!"

Your poorly veiled affliction makes your only puppet laugh.

Puppeteer, Puppeteer;

There is something you don't know,

I was able to cut my strings,

You're now a one man show.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Written: August 5th, 2017. I posted this on another poetry site that I am apart of, looking for constructive criticism, a friend recommended this site.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I hope that you find what you came looking for. I was attracted your poem by the title, so I guess that you can call that a success. Your language is good and I thought that the pattern showed some good instinct. The theme was well represented and made me read through, to see if the end was worth it. It was. Now, here is some criticism.
1) Search for an alternate word to puppeteering. I would try going through the various words that are connected to puppeteer. [Personally, I like manipulation].
Secondly, I would consider exchanging [this] for the two words [your only].
Of course, my suggestions are only suggestions and you can use any or all and even better something of your own. I hope that this helps and I would like to see you hang around and post some more of your work.~ Geezer.
.

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Thank you very much for your comment. I like the idea of swapping puppeteering to manipulation. Will ponder that, as well as, your other suggestions. Thank you again.

author comment

I see Geezer has given you some excellent feedback already. I suspect he was referring to the last line
You're now a one man show.
Replacing 'now' with 'only' or 'just'

You'll find that all the poets here take a different approach to critique. Some are grammar nazis (but nice ones), some are sticklers for prosodic form, others interested in technique or content. This should keep them all happy.

My own preference, although I'm well studied in prosodic form, is in the sound of the piece. We should never forget that poetry was originally an oral tradition. So often, especially in freeform verse where one can't parse for meter, it is difficult to pinpoint where the music of the language stands or fails. So I often do recordings. I've found it very useful in my own work, hearing, even if in my own voice, the work from 'outside' my head.

Puppeteer reads very well but see if you can hear the few places that the flow is a tad awkward.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0wIZ6Wr9WqR

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

the line I was referring to is: "makes [your only] puppet laugh",
which would make the line: "makes this puppet laugh" ~ Gee.
.

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Thank you very much for your feedback. I will listen for the places that the flow is awkward.

author comment

Welcome to the site! Happy to see that your friend recommended this place.

I think Gee and Jess have given you some sound feedback to get you started on any changes you decide to implement. If I could add my own, I would like to say you might try to find more powerful and concise images for your longer lines.

For example, "invisible strings fastened to your..." you might try something like "invisible strings suspending your...." or "poorly veiled affliction" might become "conspicuous affliction". These adjustments to word choice will only shorten the lines a little, but I think some changes like these might make a lot of difference for the pointed tone of the tone.

By the way, loved "abominable mind" and "eternally starved" great sounding and conjure up potent images. The whole poem gives me memories of some pretty weird TV shows and movies. There's a Criminal Minds episode called "The Lesson", a Goosebumps novel called "Night of the Living Dummy" that became a episode of the TV show as well I think, and an episode of Twilight Zone called "The Dummy". I think puppets scare a lot of people for a lot of the same reasons clowns do. The uncanny valley effect can be really disturbing and I think both puppets and clowns play into that fear for a lot of people. Your poem reminds me of that!

Welcome aboard! Looking forward to more of your work.

Take care,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

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Hi Kelsey,

Thanks for your feedback, I will pay attention to the meter & shorten the lines appropriately, thank you again.

author comment

I like your poem, and read it a few times. It reads well but I have a few questions. I always seek the soul of a poem, to have enough offered by the poem so it expands with meaning, poetic or otherwise.
As the puppeteer has many possible symbols, I am trying to understand the one you are creating.
He is presented as a great showman with invisible stings attached to his mind which conjures up horrible images and "gifts" it to his puppet (you)..Gifting is..an act of giving, but all the puppeteer offers is jealousy, and has this mean "affliction" that just makes you laugh. The poem ends with you freeing yourself from his control, so now he is a puppeteer without a puppet...Of all the different possibilities of what the puppeteer is I don't fee like you have given me enough information about this relationship to build on. He demands you dance, as it's all he has...but he is a savage and you were able to cut the strings, the ones attached to his mind. I just am not sure what it is...what evil have you freed yourself from, and to what purpose?
One of my all time favorite films is "Being John Malcovich" in which puppetering is a major theme, in which the hero (or anti-hero) defines his mind through his puppets. If you have not seen this comic and sarcastic masterpiece, be prepared to pee in your pants from laughing.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

newcomer
Let me also welcome you. I like your sweet poetry
Here are a few suggestions only you may review as you wish, 'tis your poem

O puppeteer.... if you view http://www.dictionary.com/
similar words called ‘’synonyms.’’ could be found
(Try) not to repeat the same word, one too often in a line or poem.
I think you could safely use
Puppet master...
marionette manipulator ...
Marionate operator
manipulator
conjurer
or
juggler..
Try any one and see where you can fit one, a bit better...

All the best puppeteer puppeteer
in first line it's Okay
O dear puppeteer

I enjoy the poem, welcome to the site

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Hi thank you for the welcoming.
I appreciate it. Still learning to navigate this site :)

author comment
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