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Psapfo 9

O Kypris slow
The night between us

For Love's vision
Has journeyed so far

Place your lips
To every cavern of my body

Let the rites burn
O Lady turn back the sun

With your
Unearthly beauty

If my beloved must remain
In Afroditi's shade

Let her shadow then come
To drink from my vineyard

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I'm not sure about your title, but it drew me in, so I guess it works.
Your language use is okay and it suits the pacing of the lines.
The theme is a bit soggy, but works well.
One typo [Afroditi]- should be Aphrodite.

~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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