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Protest. (Critique Workshop- edited)

When life becomes rather silly,
very dangerously so,
did you know
that Americans spend more on pet grooming
than researching clean fusion power?

So sit and watch TV,
with your clean well fed pets
whilst millions of people starve
and you grow poor,
grow poor without union protection,
watch the planet die,
for corporate profit
and die with it.

Or

Protest,
vote,
commit acts of nihilist terrorism,
just do something,
please.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Any better? Further suggestions? I like it better now.
Editing stage: 

Comments

One of the few forms of protest left for the common man which occasionally makes any difference is the power to vote people out of office. The captive news media turns any type of actual protest to its own use by taking words out of context and slanting news.................stan

Forgot to put (Critique Workshop) in the title.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

With a bit sharper teeth lol

Myself, I no longer bother to protest anything, I just bitch about it! LOL!!

it pretty well sums it up.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

maybe saying what leads to life being silly. You know something like the wages for the common working people not increasing while the cost of kivingis getting more and more expensive? mmm

Alid

If I expanded it to include all that makes life silly and dangerous it would never end? I prefer to leave it to the readers imagination to include things that are both silly and dangerous.
For example did you know that Americans spend more money on pet grooming than fusion research?
mmm, I might put that particular one in.
thanks, mate.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Hi Jess - I like the message of the poem, designed to rouse people to action.

I think the title is very clever in as much as the poem is a protest against those who are sitting back and doing nothing to effect change. it is also a call to those same people to stand up and do something.

I think the poem is good but would be made better by expanding upon and changing the first two lines, perhaps being more specific about what that silliness is, i.e political decisions that have proved to be disastrous etc. What did you have in mind when you wrote those first two lines? I think you need to establish that and say it - if you're asking people to stand up and protest you need to give them the reason why and the reader needs to know why you are urging people to protest. So those opening lines, in my opinion need to have motivational punch!

Once those lines are expanded and changed I think everything else will fall into place and it will be a very powerful poem sending a very powerful message.

Bare in mind that this is only my opinion, based on my understanding of your poem. I hope it has been of some use.

Love to you

Mand xxxx

brave, perceptive critique.
It achieve what critique should. I will re-work the poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

and others suggestions,
thanks all.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think it easier for us both that I just show another way......
While life grows ever sillier
just sit around...watch T.V.
grow poorer
watch the planet die
and
die with it

or

Protest
Vote
commit nihilistic terrorism
just
-------do
---------------SOMETHING
please

I agree re those first two verses .... but I'll go further and say the use of the word 'silly' is a detraction from the seriousness of the write. I also find the two stanzas don't gel together ... they need a unit of connection

I would suggest something like:

Life can be preposterous
dangerously so

the asinine
who sit and watch TV
will grow poor
watch the planet die
and die with it

but I will protest
vote
commit acts of nihilist terrorism

join me
let's all do something
please

just my opinion
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I agree, connecting the two verses is something I should have picked up on! Good point. :)

Love to you

Mand xxx

it achieves what critique should. It motivates me to work on and improve the poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Well done. I think you were fair in your critique as you pointed out to Jess not onlly what he needs to work on but also why he needs to.
By the way Jess, I like your poem and l liked it even more after reading Mand's critique.
Does someone's critique makes a difference, I think sometimes the answer is a big YES.
Thanks for both of you.

PS. Mand you could have chosen that small button ( to show this is your official critique as participant of this workshop. You'd have my life and others' easier dear :) :)

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you for your encouraging comment - it's nice to know I am making some progress in this area. ( still some way to go me thinks ). I can see how much time and effort it takes to critique a poem well - could be a full time job! :)

Thanks again

Love Mand xxxx

Yes, choose the button " Select if your comment is your official critique of the above as part as your participation in the Critique and Criticism workshop series - "

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Yes, choose the button " Select if your comment is your official critique of the above as part as your participation in the Critique and Criticism workshop series - "

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment
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