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A PROMISE MADE(aug. contest)
We'll go back to the beach one day,
and I hope that it won't be too long,
to watch the sizzling tourists lay
while listening to some sixties song.
In the salty surf we'll splash and play
then stroll along the wide boardwalk
just as we did on our last stay
when we'd pause and quietly talk.
We'd watch shadows creep out toward the sea
when evening breezes came around
as we sat upon the balcony
taking in the gulls' sad sound.
We'll go back soon I promise you
and smell the salt on constant breeze,
just you and me and ocean's view.
We'll gather some new memories.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I know this is pretty raw
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-06-01 06:09
Raw? It is more soundly constructed than most of your work.
The emotional painting is clean and clear, no maudlin sentimentality.
I won't deconstruct it, but there is one rhyme where you mis-stress badly.
We'd watch shadows creep out toward the sea
when evening breezes came around
as we sat upon the balcony [sea is stressed, the stress on balcony is on bal]
Am I going soft or is this really good?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2012-06-01 08:32
ooo.....ooooo!
For once I can say the problem is definitely one of dialect. Around here balcony has stress on both 1st and last syllable. Does that make a difference? And who knows maybe this thick skull IS letting a few new things through...........stan
author commentloved
Fri, 2012-06-01 07:46
I know this is pretty raw..yeah we all know all your poetry is..
initially raw , like mine as always but still.....
Some fruits eaten raw are better than fresh
your poetry is like raw mangoes
sweeter than sweet,
hard but finally soft
the breeze takes my heart away
every time I go to the sea,
I always feel so happy
with my spouse and me
at times,
I love to see other folks in bikinis
then my eyes open,
when they all smile at me
my torso is beyond imagination
round and round
some in my looks wish
I’d happiness have found
the breeze and the beach
are my signs of love
and
all else is useless
except your poetry Stan above
loved
scribbler
Fri, 2012-06-01 08:34
hi loved
Thanks for dropping by. And yeah I also have a round torso .......but in the wrong places lol...........stan
author commentloved
Fri, 2012-06-01 08:43
we both r
spchimens
loved
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-06-01 09:30
oh dear, the burdens of talent and physique
If I wasn't a poet I would show my brilliant body to the world.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2012-06-01 22:41
lol
Sorry to disappoint you Jess but your previous avatar displayed enough bod to preclude the "brilliance" lmao. Of course it might be that my preference in looking at the gentler gender prejudices me.............stan
author commentIan.T
Sat, 2012-06-02 17:40
Stan
A grand write as the others have said now stop taunting Jess he may show his torso/bod whatever. Better the sights we are use to, my mind did a flip there as he said it was ok that he was a poet. Shall we leave it at that I know that he is in Aussie land but these pictures can be sent so quickly now, except that is when I need to change my bloody picture on my profile, can't get it to work any suggestions (Now careful)
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Sat, 2012-06-02 17:48
Hi Ian
Hi Ian
Appreciate the visit and expect that Jess took the remark as being made in fun as was intended.........stan
author commentIan.T
Sat, 2012-06-02 18:12
Stan
I Jest lol Have a restful, night out there, will talk tomorrow, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
lovedly
Sat, 2019-08-10 19:37
2012 and now tis 2019
we haven't moved an inch
the beach is still there why cinch
the only thing what's new is
the one's who lay about
though now are fairly nude
generations change
the beach as in original version
does still remain
Down Stan's memories lane
Susan is still same
but I have muchly changed
become more poetically deranged
thanks to Neo and Eumol
yes Stan and Ian
Jess has already forgotten
Lovedly's poetry has become more forgotten
thanks not as many wished sodden
scribbler
Sat, 2019-08-10 23:39
Hi loved.
A lot easier to dig out an oldie than to have to compose for a contest isn't it? Glad you dropped by for a visit
author commentlovedly
Sun, 2019-08-11 18:31
no not at all Stan
I am used to off the cuff anything
poetry o man as far concerns neo
I poemise at the drop of your hat lol
I don't think the judge reads all poems
its so difficult to find
on other sites all are posted at one place
neo must rethink
I suggested years since