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Profound

Submitted by themoonman on Sat, 2012-08-11 14:38

Profound escapes the moment
when angry words take over,
breaking up, is that the answer.

Tired of the drama
receiving all the blame,
getting slung along this coaster ride
I can't ride not one more train ...

and then you flash your smile,
I can only shake my head,
weighty wisdoms aren't really needed
when that sparkle has its say.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Sun, 2012-08-12 01:44

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such a truth here lol

one thing
'I can't ride not one more train ...' - double negative
you really only need - 'I can't ride one more train ...'
or if you want to convolute it a bit - ''I can ride not one more train ...'

noticable rhythm... i like it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

themoonman

Tue, 2012-08-14 06:04

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Thank you, I'm glad you liked it and so very happy
you pointed out the double negative. It was purposeful
here, packed with intent or at least that's how I see it.
In regular speech folks use this sort of double negative
often. In my notes I had quotation marks wrapped around
it to show me how to read it but quotation marks aren't
correct so I left them out. I see it threw most folks so it
obviously didn't work the way I planned, damnit (lol).

thank you
Richard

author comment

themoonman

Tue, 2012-08-14 06:07

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Thank you very much sir, read my explanation to Judy or my
reasons for using this tool that didn't work.

good to see you man

Richard

author comment

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-08-12 12:53

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A grand write,
Sparrow came in and laughed, I asked what he was laughing at he said that word Pro Found he said its not the usual thing for Richard to talk about LOL I told him to go wash his mind in carbolic..
Take care young man, have a great day and more of these from your pen please, Ian.T
PS: The double negative always trips a piece up but the theme is a real one well written.. Haven't seen Sparrow so I suppose he is sulking somewhere, lol Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

themoonman

Tue, 2012-08-14 06:09

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You tell Sparrow not to worry, nothing pro found here (lol)

thanks Ian, hope all is well there my friend

Richard

author comment

themoonman

Tue, 2012-08-14 06:11

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Thank you sir, yes, one must believe it for that smile to work
but that sparkle is convincing, isn't it.

thanks

Richard

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Geezer

Mon, 2012-08-13 07:48

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comments by the others, great job! I do agree about the double negative, and have a different word that you might use, [ another]. A truth be told here. ~ Gee

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themoonman

Tue, 2012-08-14 06:13

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I've thought about the double and still may change it
because it didn't work the way I wanted, thanks for the
suggestion.

Richard

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-16 01:08

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but by all that's poetic you carried it off if that last stanza.
Bloody well done.

cheers,
Jess
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