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PRIVATE DANCING

I feel your heartbeat against me
as we dance to this old love song
here in old love's privacy
exactly where we both belong.

And smell the lilacs in your hair
there just beneath my grizzled chin
in the cloud of our life we share
savoring the love we're in.

The only thing which might seem strange
to anyone choosing to spy
there's no music playing to arrange
while we slowly weave our way by.

For after all the passing time
our rhythm has found its own rhyme.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
a badly written sonnet I think
Editing stage: 

Comments

Well I'm old enough and married long enough to feel both the intimacy and the power of time as inferred by your grizzled chin and the tender sentimental sensations of love in this write

Having said that it feels so picture post card provincial as I move through the verses I think because it is only a foundational scaffolding . Its really a straight narrative so while I love the idea the language feels bereft of the poetic seduction needed to seduce the reader into finding entrancement in the language itself. Poetry becomes vital when language curves around the reader evoking heat and light.

I feel your heartbeat against me
as we dance to this old love song
here in old love's privacy
exactly where we both belong.
And smell the lilacs in your hair
there just beneath my grizzled chin
in the cloud of our life we share
savoring the love we're in.

While this poem has relevant substance personally and universally it feels surprises-less, predictable ie derivative
I would do word search and employ literary devices like metaphor, symbol, artful repetition of a phrase
Enduring relationships come from caring, being tested by miscommunication. self sacrifice, pain, pleasure, deep understanding and as you know periods of estrangement; relationships are multi dimensional ..I think you might ask yourself how better do you let the reader into a deep experience by accentuating eloquence of language, and force of emotion in such away that may exert itself profoundly upon the readers mind

Hope my comments are useful to you.

Best Z

I for some reason decided to try a sonnet which I hate like going to the dentist. One reason is the tight structure required which has always limited the intent of the poem for those, like me, who aren't that good at writing the cussed things lol. I always appreciate honesty and will keep yours in mind when I inevitably edit this........stan

author comment

liked the genteel nature of this Stan....
.........................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Genteel..... hmmm... a good way to say boring? lol. Thanks for the time to read and comment

author comment

Oh...so now even my comment is misinterpreted...

well if you google you will find following synonyms for genteel

refined, respectable, polished, decorous, proper, polite, correct, seemly, well mannered, well bred, cultivated, cultured, sophisticated, courteous, ladylike, gentlemanly, civil, elegant, stylish, urbane, civilized, courtly, dignified, gracious, punctilious; More

Example
"an extremely genteel couple who have fallen on hard times"

anyways there re times when even my good intentions/comments are found to be bitter...

have a nice vacation
........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I was just kidding around. I sometimes forget that my expression doesn't go out along with the words.

author comment

and pleasurable to read. After a few takes not sure about the final "gears" ..so cold and mechanical seems the only forced rhyme and in a crucial spot in the poem. I'd reconsider that...
I also like the title.
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I had not considered the gears thing not quite fitting in this poem. Appreciate the detailed critique........stan

author comment

Loved it and could visualise the scene..
Just the last line could be changed it sounds like a car crash and at the age you were depicting here it would kill you both lol xx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Me trying to write a sonnet usually IS a case wreck lol. Thanks for the visit......stan

author comment

@5 years? practically a newlywed lol. I've been married for 44 years. Have no idea how she puts up with me unless it's to see what happens next. I am pleased you came by and thanks for the kind words......stan

author comment
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