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PREY
The hunter is so very stealthy
( to hunt a grizzly, he must be wealthy )
in the thick Alaskan brush
hoping for an adrenal rush
Quarry was first spotted yesterday
on river's shore a mile away
gorging on the spawned-out fish
a glutton for this yearly dish
Laying out a careful stalk
on a topo map with thin white chalk
he studies the big bear all day
imagines taking this great prey
Next day he's up at crack of dawn
stifling a sleepy yawn
all alone, just him and the gun
he sets out toward the rising sun
There's the beast right where expected
the hunter approaches undetected
wearing the best boots and camo
he double checks his rifle's ammo
Before he can get close enough
the bear moves back into the rough
like following the holy grail
the hunter is hot on the trail
Visibility is down to feet
he now can hear his own heart beat
feeling that he's getting near
proceeding, never showing fear
Drawing so close in brushy hell
that the bear he now can smell
the only hint of pending death ?
is when he feels the fetid breath.............
Well the plane comes back as planned
finding the drop camp unmanned
they never found the mother's son
just a bloody fully loaded gun
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:15
prey
I am a hunter and have been since old enough to go with my father as an " observer " ( pain in the butt lol ).There is much more to hunting than just the kill. If not for the memories of things that have happened to me and around me while hunting I would be a very different person.Why do so many presume to judge hunters based on prejudices which they would dare not apply to other groups ? Rant now over .I am glad you enjoyed this turning of the table...........scribbler
author commentmand
Fri, 2010-12-03 11:42
Hello Stan
I agree with Xena,
Brilliant ending - made me giggle too.
Well done
Love Mand xxxxxx
scribbler
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:16
prey
Poem was written to show the thin line between predator and prey. Thanks for coming by..............scribbler
author commentloved
Fri, 2010-12-03 12:02
WHEN U SAY
PREY
I pray
and to myself
i do say
get out of the way
of the prey
nice one
any way
pray or prey
loved
scribbler
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:18
prey
In this case the predator became a prey without a prayer...............scribbler
author commentloved
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:21
wow
lovely answer
god bless the predator
AMEN
loved
loved
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:21
wow
lovely answer
god bless the predator
AMEN
loved
Tonya
Fri, 2010-12-03 12:21
Scary Stuff!!
The hunter becomes the hunted. I have a thing (scared stiff) of bears!
I too, really dislike killing just for sport. If one is going to use the meat I can understand though.
The poem really is vividly entertaining and suspensful. I still think, occassionally, you leave out a few words like and, the, or don't always make it plural and it gives me a feeling of a condensed message....(probably just me!)
"just a bloody mangled gun"
I feel this line could use one or two more syllables.. maybe add 'unused' or 'unshot' gun. I get the feeling from the poem the hunter never got the chance to act!!
Great work.
Always,
Tonya
scribbler
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:21
Hmmmm.....
Those who kill just for sport are not true hunters. I appreciate your feedback and will take it into account in edit and future writes..........scribbler
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2010-12-03 12:24
I stopped hunting...
years ago, and never have regretted it. I still enjoy being in the woods, but don't feel the need to hunt. [Besides, it's best to stay out of the woods during hunting season]. There are too many people who don't know the difference between a cow, a person, and a deer! [Or bear]. I like your title, the theme, and the ending gave me a little chuckle too. your rhyming is great, but it seems like your rhythm is a little rough at times. Overall, a pretty good poem. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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scribbler
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:24
prey
Part of the hunt for me has become hunting an area sans other hunters lol. I will try to smooth this out in later edit. Thanks for taking time to read and comment................scribbler
author commenthippiepoet69
Fri, 2010-12-03 18:42
Great poem
I started not to read it. Then I thought this is Stan. READ IT. I'm not a hunter but I'm not anti-hunting. And I'm a member of the NRA. I got a funny little story. My nephew Shane when he was 13. One Sat. he would drink a lot of water. Then stay gone for an hour or so. My sister wondered what he was up to. That went on all day. A few days later when hunting season started. The hunters could not figure out why deer were not coming around thier deer stands. Shane peed on all of them. Shane died at the age of 23 from skin cancer.
scribbler
Fri, 2010-12-03 19:28
prey
I expect Shane pissed off as well as pissed on lol. I had no idea Anybody felt compelled to read my attempts but I'm glad you dropped by...........stan
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