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Previous Incarnations - For L.R.

As she lay beneath the nightsilks,
A tiny butterfly, mistress of transformations,
Most humble of all God's creatures,
Entered the lover's cavern.
She murmured beneath the first veil
of sleep the name of her chosen
the secret word that would
expel the dark shades
of the ten courts of hell.
Kiss me my husband:
And the butterfly caressed
the flowers of her nipples,
as a seasoned Lothario,
in gentle breath-like kisses.
Enter me my husband:
And the butterfly slipped inside her
To rhythmically flick the bud of her clitoris.
In her mind she pictured the poem
of her lover.
She wept into the heart of the butterfly
And emptied the essence of her love
into the essence of her husband
beyond the flights of death

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Explicit Content

Comments

Hi Dalton, are you new here? I haven't seen your poetry before, but I'm also fairly new. Welcome to Neopoet's family, all the same. I enjoy your poem very much, perhaps some will dislike it, but I only suggest you use a different word for "clipped"...ouch! Maybe "licked", "tasted", "savoured", dunno. I like your use of the seductive, selfish Lothian, as well as the Chinese 10 levels of hell. A suggestion below, to TorT.

And emptied the essence of her love
into (the essence of )her husband<<<<or find a different word for essence?
beyond the shores of death.

I'm wondering who L.R. is. I also find the butterfly metaphor confusing, is it the husband? I would rather a female butterfly, but I guess that would complicate your lovely poem. The title is fine and the theme is warming, perfectly clear in its intentions. I wonder why "the shores of death". Maybe use Styx or Hades, since you are naming several traditional names.
I'll return when others have commented. Bye for now, Gracy

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*
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Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

I've been a member of the site for over 10 years but attended less and a broader hiatus because of personal reasons and a degree of malicious treatment. I'm not sure of which word to use for "clipped" it was meant to reflect the action of stimulation by the movement of the butterflies wings. Maybe its a bit misleading the butterfly is a different entity from the husband mentioned and maybe I should change the shores of death reference back to the shores of dreaming which was the original line anyway. L.R. are the initials of the woman I wrote the poem for

Thanks for reading and offering such a well thought out critique

author comment

Hello again, Dalton. I'm sorry you had trouble with this site, it happens in many websites, but now I haven't encountered any squabbles at all, rest assured. Thanks for explaining the parts I didn't understand, such as the verb clip. I still think there must be a better one, maybe flutter...trying to think.
Maybe "the shores of dreaming" would work better, but it's OK as is. Tx for telling who L.R. is.
All the best, Gracy

*
*
*
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

I didn't mean to stoop to vulgarity but I wanted the image to be of the butterfly teasing with its wings maybe a better word than clipped would be teased what do you think? I appreciate your kindness to read and get to the roots of the poem

author comment

changed to teased but if you could think of a better phrasing I'd be grateful for your thoughts

author comment
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