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Predicament [Sunku]
I trace
road map of
future to be
don't see
corner stores
to replenish
what if
my pen starves
of its essence?
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2018-06-01 21:45
The question is...
is the ink you are afraid of running out of, or the inspiration that comes from you to the pen?
Your title is OK, the theme is good and I like it! Just that one niggling question.~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
raj
Sat, 2018-06-02 04:26
Hi Geezer
Thanks for the read. Good to know that it led to a niggling question about the predicament....i would say it is not just pen and inspiration but say "resources" and not just that but there is something beyond about what then shall happen?
................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentlovedly
Fri, 2018-06-01 21:52
early in the morning
when eyes are blinking
The i
could be better in CAPS only
shall add beauty to poetry here
your Sunku
raj
Sat, 2018-06-02 04:27
Thanks for the read and
Thanks for the read and comment which is noted and change made
...................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Sat, 2018-06-02 14:32
Not an expert
as I haven't practiced this form and I don't think I am good enough to read between the lines dear raj. The only thing that I can say is that I feel like you've sacrificed the definite article (the) for the sake of the supposed to be the right syllable count in the first two stanzas.
Just what I think. Maybe I am not getting it right?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Sat, 2018-06-02 14:37
Hi Rula
where you feel "the" should have been?
..................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentRula
Sat, 2018-06-02 14:44
this is how I "thought" it should read
I trace
(the) road map of
(the)future to be
don't see
(the) corner stores
to replenish
Don't listen to me though. Feel free to ignore the whole thing or listen to what others might say.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
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raj
Sat, 2018-06-02 14:47
Hmmm..may be a "the" before
Hmmm..may be a "the" before road map would have been right but at other places mentioned by you may/may not be...
....................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentraj
Sun, 2018-06-03 13:42
Thanks MarkL for your visit
Thanks MarkL for your visit and comment. It is true that particularly in such a short form some nitty gritties of English need to be sacrificed...it is actually more than just running out of resources...question is why?
you may also try to write a Sunku..it is interesting as well as challenging..
.................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentSeren
Sun, 2018-06-03 15:54
Dear Raj
I get it can work either way,
or you can take it one step further
finding the place for the words
Loved it
Love always J xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
raj
Sun, 2018-06-03 16:08
Hi Jayne
good of you to see you visit this and know you liked it...when you find some relaxed moments do read "Aesthetics of Sunku" which will enable you connect better with this new poetry form..
much love and warm hugs...
.................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author commentSeren
Sun, 2018-06-03 16:11
Will do Raj thanks for
Will do Raj thanks for pointing the way
And always a pleasure (((hugs)))
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
raj
Sun, 2018-06-03 16:15
Hey...no sleep talking....may
Hey...no sleep talking....may be you forgot to take your reading glasses off...:)
take care dear friend from down under..
.........................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
author comment