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The portal

I opened a door to the world for my heart,
a longing glance at the portals empty frame.
My children moved away, will I see them again?
Age had emptied this space taking their ways.

There old friends made fleeting shadows
Then the light would stream in as before.
If we could hold a single frame of the portal.
Which one would we hold, why was it needed?

There the reason for emptiness came over me.
We lived in dreams that would not be fulfilled.
Each one of us, just journeyed on in the now.
Then I wondered why I had a portal at all.

Thoughts boiled over into a stark reality.
Ending my journey, I could only look back.
There it took me a while to know what to do.
Where the past, now controlled, flowed on by.

All the times, and people met one by one.
They came through the space to show me.
A truth in all the things I had completed.
In this life we have to know the effect we have.

Finding that my now and past events were one
I found a quiet peace in my new destiny.
So there was nothing left for me to do.
I walked toward the portal, embracing eternity.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Jotting time again it's so late.. Edited as best there can be, without a rewrite..
Editing stage: 

Comments

It reminded me of the song "All My Friends" by LCD Soundsystem. You captured the essence of transience really well.The only critique I can offer is perhaps to read it out loud a few times, or get someone else to read and record it and listen to that as a few lines seem like they almost fit but come across just a little bit jarring. My favourite part of the poem was the ending, as it came across quite powerful and epiphanic. If you were open to it, I'd recommend playing around with possibly making it even more impactful as it really is a beautiful line. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Nick.

Thank you and Jess for your input, I listened to Jess's reading of the piece, and have tried to edit it so that it flows a little better.
Thanks again, yours, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

So here's my reading, Ian
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0kdKIltOyDJ

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Members Coordinator
Contact the AC or myself with any queries or problems.

Thank you very much for your reading as it pointed out a few hitches in the write.
I have edited the piece and hope that it flows better and is more sense.
Take care My Bru, and know we are with you always,
Yours, Ian .

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

and has a very real honesty which allows the reader to feel your words. It is hard to comment but I will try and not in any way assault your feelings, or deny them.

in the first stanza:
I opened a door to the world for my heart,
a longing glance at the portals empty frame
My children moved away, will I see them again?
Age emptied this space and moved me away.

I come to the title with Sci-Fi themes, as for the last decades there have so many time/space "portals" in that genre. As I begin my journey into knowing what the portal is to you/poem we see your heart viewing an empty portal followed by the kids moving out and aging, so i consider the portal is like a time portal of memories. I think you need a period after "frame" to complete the idea. There is a confusion, but seems that it is the heart glancing..if so I would add a predicate
(i believe) and says somehow "which gave a longing glance" ..something to connect the action with the heart.
In the second stanza expands nicely to lost friends and of the memories it asks the question :

"which one would we hold, why was it needed?"

The second part does not feel right to me...needed to me suggests like what was the purpose of the moment you would freeze in the portal.. I don't think the poem is about that...it's about feeling, loss, disappointments, emptiness... Then "needed' is mentioned again

where the past, controlled, flowed by as needed

but why it was "needed" is outside the poem for me. The past flows as it had to, as you said. So for me the confusion of that idea in the poem.

In the next stanza, I don't think you need a coma after "us"

Each one of us, just journeyed on in the now.

That to me is a the strongest thought and line in the poem, perfectly stated.

To the last stanza
All the times and people met one by one,
they came through the space to show me.
So there was nothing left for me to do.
I walked toward the portal embracing eternity.

What was it the people of your passed in your life show you? That I so want to know for this poem.
They, we, just live our lives with unfulfilled dreams, living in the now, going through the cycle of life as the kids move out, the friends disappear (and die, which I know too well) and you are left with this portal in which is the doorway to eternity.
So the portal for me is too many things- a place of stored memories, the doorway to death.
There is so much emotion in the poem that comes through, and I agree some lines are bit stilted to say, especially the last line. I would develop the empty nesting theme a bit as it is only mentioned, and it is a big deal to us parents.
I so much understand when you have an image and try to create a poem in which that becomes a myth of itself- like Delmore Schwatz' "Bear I Carry on my back" or Hart Cranes "the Bridge" and how difficult it is to tie it all together. I hope my comments will help you in that endeavor.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you for your in depth review of this write I shall consider each point, and act on them, or comment in reply as time permits.
The portal is where the now joins the eternity we all have to reach at one time in our journey.
There are many things we have to be accountable for and with the aid of seeing our ways from always, it is in itself a trial period for all creatures that are aware of the things done.
The change from one state to the next is an absolute, I wonder if we survive and if so, what do we take with us apart, from memories on the deeds we have carried out.
Thank you again I will see how much I can adjust this vision of maybe..
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

seldom have so many put so much effort into helping you with a single poem. Don't waste it.

You have not worked as hard at your craft as your talent deserves in the past.
You haven't read the masters.
You haven't practised the techniques we have tried to teach you. (why do you think I have got so impatient with you n the past?)
Do it this time. This is an important poem and deserves it.
Much love.

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Members Coordinator
Contact the AC or myself with any queries or problems.

As always the teaching of your youth, and the absence of teaching in mine shows so much, when I write near to a good piece,
I will always need help with correct forms and layouts,
it s very hard for me to learn so many things.
You and many others have helped me in many ways through all these last years, and I thank you for it,
I probably need a ghost writer, give the bones of a piece to them and let them do the construction, I have had a good try at editing this one, just need some more guidance from the best.
Take care Bru and know that I do care, I would love to be able to write as the masters as there are so many things that need to be said..
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

your poetry and needs
so don't go to the desserts or desert
o Ian

Just playing with you young one I can only afford to go shopping each week let alone travel so far, but sometimes there is a desert in my mind when comments and interaction on Neopoet is lacking.
You take care and know that I will be here till I pass through that Portal lol,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

full of memories, Eumolpus has already finished the whole thing.

Thank you for your visit and acknowledge that Eumolpus has already talked me through it, but it is still good to have you visit and say so, it means a great deal to the running of Neopoet to have feedback.
I write these pieces in a short space of time in the evening or late evening and they don't take long, this is why they are in a rough state.
I have though edited this piece to the suggestions, so I hope it reads a little better than the original.
You can check the original by clicking on the revision Icon at the top and it should show you how the piece has changed.
Take care and really great to hear from you,
Yours, Ian.

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment
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