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porpoise teeth

Submitted by emeka ozurumba on Mon, 2014-02-17 11:16

purpose teeth to tongue
how can it speak, lick lip stick?
deplete complete biscuit
seek six sick sins
sat in SETT badger badge
barge barrage bar rage
cage as wage on stage
wadded ledge hedge pledge
verge dirge dire spire spaniel
cruel sequel Daniel in well
dwell dungeon cell
fortress fourth stress
Canaanite cane mite
dusk dust of light
knife of life
separate time , serpentine

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
in the poem , the image of biscuit depleted is growing old , then one dies and is buried six feet whether he was sick or it was for his sins, the image of the sett and badger represent blindness,the image of Daniel represents a very terrible hope gaping scenario also that death creates, fortress fourth stress is alluded to the fourth phenomenon after the spirit , soul and body, when one dies it is seeming that his new fourth self apart from this three vital component stress the knowledge of man to ascertain
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Pugilist

Mon, 2014-02-17 13:31

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I tired to read this but perhaps I am just not the intended audience.

Since, obviously, I do not get what you are trying to convey, I will not offer suggestions that would be erroneously geared towards pushing you from your intended path.

I read the explanation and I am struck how it is rather like the placards I see in museums.

With older styles of art, the work is displayed and the placard records the name or the artist, perhaps a location, and personage, and the date.

With new styles of art, the placard tell you what you should feel.

I'm not good with art requiring a detailed explanation.

But, again, I am probably not your intended audience so that is an observation on my part, not a criticism.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

emeka ozurumba

Thu, 2014-02-27 13:57

emeka ozurumba's picture

the poem is rather a ponder about life's uncertainty and the nature of demise to us in which we are poignant procreation for a death entourage, pls i know the rhyming totally derails from the theme, but each word used are used for what they are mean not how they rhyme, the meaning will be precise then

author comment

emeka ozurumba

Thu, 2014-02-27 14:32

emeka ozurumba's picture

tree huts wampum
three horse walrus
roost wail rust war
age years fighting sage
sparkle glossy entourage
enter ray wedge, sedge
marshy template Marshall
place to template mar shall
black sheep seep cheap
drip crisp strip sip
by sleep
slip script creep
encrypt pixels

author comment

Race_9togo

Tue, 2014-02-18 03:17

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This makes absolutely no sense at all. Its as if you simply picked a bunch of rhyming words for each line, and put them together at random.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Race_9togo

Thu, 2014-02-27 22:38

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that you are using some kind of computer program to spit out random words to post as poetry.
Am I wrong?

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Pugilist

Thu, 2014-02-27 23:07

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Probably because I am

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

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