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The Poor's Message to Winter

Dear Mr. Winter:
I'm writing you a message today
With say, a little plea and a quest.
Should you have a visit to pay,
please, be a docile, gentle guest.

It hurts to see your gown a new,
while mine is old - a worn out s**t.
When every year your dress is in hue,
my stained robe's the only to fit.

Unlike your heavy, polished boot,
mine is ripped out, torn off, so old.
My shelves, empty, run out of food,
your clouds, are bestowed, worth of gold.

You're with unlimited power,
with chilly gusts, you're jack the Frost.
I've but the heart-warmth to offer
I don't wish your coldness to last.

So, if you should show up on time,
or e'er think to pay a visit,
(because my weakness isn't a crime),
be then a gentle docile guest.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

your title was good enough to make me read the poem and the poem hung together well.
I just wish that you had paid a bit more attention to the rhyme. ~ Geezer

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Critique or comment today!

I did some edits on the rhymes. Hope it works better.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

If you had written this two years ago I would have been wiped out by the improvement. Now, it seemed almost too casual for you. I would have paid a bit more attention to the rhyme as well.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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improving means going up and down sometimes.
I have done some edits.
Thanks for the thoughts sir!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This is isn't up to your usual.... all to rhyme, or no rhyme, never half and half, it doesn't work

I do really like the theme though...

Typo in 4th verse, 2nd stanza - 'rob's'... ? should it be 'robe's'

I do love the line 'please, be a docile, gentle guest' - and it's repetition is very effective

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Appreciate your invaluable feedback. Like the edits? Any improvements?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I would suggest that you space out the conjunction to make it clearer in 'while mine is old - a worn out s**t', as the eye doesn't catch it and one reads it as continuous - 'while mine is old a worn out s**t'.

And just a few suggestions
' my shelves have run out of food ' seems a half a foot short to my ear

, as is ' you're with unlimited power'

'Or e'er think to pay a visit ' - you need the whole word for the meter - 'or ever think to pay a visit'

And 'but I've the heart warmth to shower' just seems a tad forced - as if again you were having trouble finding rhyme. I know what you mean, but i think you could possibly say it better

a definite improvement
really liking this work...
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I agree with you on some of the lines and disagree on the others. I think it has to do on how some contraction are read.
I must say I loved this piece for the message that it holds, but I love it now more.
Some might say it's not maybe my best, but still I really like every single word there.
Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

(because my weakness isn't a crime),

either its in or its out
no option no doubt

I thought it is like an intruding sentence there and should be put in brackets. Of course you and others might prove me wrong.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

I loved this one, it is a stark reminder of reality.
Now look what you have done young lady, you have attained a place in Neopoets ranks as a great athlete, so now you have to train well to maintain that level.
It is better to remain as a medium poet, then grand works are much better thought of.
Become a mountaineer and climb one peak at a time then the world will be there to cheer you reaching the top of another peak, if you understand what I mean??
Take care young Lady, our love to all out there,
Yours Ian, Anne, and the Children

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I am not in a hurry. I very much am enjoying this journey. I am so careful to take the ladder step by step making use of the experience of all the friends who surround me in Neo.
I am grateful as always.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

grade thirteeners would tell me what technitian abilities
about words..works..thesis..theme..count..beat..
rymhyme (I still cant spell that..some kind of block.
Dyslexia maybe..ADD)
anyway...Perhaps the others are spot on with that
business..But what I enjoyed about this read
that caught me right was the shrewd and intentful
focus of character narration and descript..
the emotional sketch which built up to the
feeling of weakness in physical form
against the stronger foe...which of course is
Winter and the humilty of the narrator
Which Knowing winter...is very forceful and
powerful a force...I know I wore crap shoes
out of stupidity and froze my toes..got frostbite
bad once which turned to gangrene..
Laisse Faire No care...I do today...
sometimes you dont have a chance
One must move...make traffic and stuff
wears out....

I see this at the Food Bank where I go
Styles that were a hundred twenty dollar
fall BENCH jacket Pink ladies on a girl
..worn...none too clean and inadequate
shoes..teeth...formal education on some
a stolid humility on others that I know
have university educations
a little worse for wear but polite and happy..
(Now..its come a long way...it was very
sketchy and corrupt at one time and out
of control..Not now...)

People would leave in the transition and complain
about not getting a taxi chit...
or complain about not getting a name brand ketchup
it seems trite but this in our country is the personal
markings of our society which is set up like this..
Now people give back what they dont want or
set it aside for others to pick over..Or trade

I could identify completely with this one..
the helpless feeling but determination
to greet the "Guest"
and not Rail against nor shrink
...
I see a lot of families and old guys
whom Im going to be if i make it
there...

I started off very ragged and smelly
in the old days with head down
intimidated by the shovers..
Not now...I stand up tall in the room
maybe a hall monitor more then
anything at that moment..
but we need a guide...

a judge of distance
or value..
and your poem shone that
through here..

I see this as a large step forward
in your writing also
and it gives me hope that I can
take my abstract towards the
movement that yours has
in this Poem

Thank You Rula!

You left me speechless. I read your comment many times. It made me happy.
Coming especially from you, your last words give me encouragement beyond any one can imagine..
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Design..structure
vision...clarity and articulation
Those come with hard effort
and sometimes the overnight illumination
as all work and progress from others
and the self and (Divinity)
arrive to make something profound
beautiful
disturbing..dark and provocative

to stir the conscious
and make one think
either for joy or for illicit
consideration

One never knows
from the ruddy start
of effort that one day
a transfixed peice of
wonder emerges

I see it watching others
through the years
many disregarded and tottering
their work crudge and borrowed
heavily on theme design
working their movements
like borrowed covers of
poetry and songs of others

then the blooming or blossoming
overnight of a voice..a vision
a style..a sound..
a personification that makes
one notice...
a magic and charm and
verve that is unique enough
to that individual poet..writer
etc...

There is a beginning
there is an ending
to all things

I did not start in the middle
as a poet
but of the childhood nursery
tales and songs of
process

and only now at fifty one
this year can i say I am
writing enough or well
enough that I like
my own works

Thank You for your thoughtful
comments also
and encouragement

The thunder and rain and
tempest makes us stronger
faster and agile
but it is the sunlight and
warmth that we strive for
and aim!

Thank You!

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