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POISON (Storytelling In Verse: Dramatic Verse)

I spit on the nerve of scums
who dare to dictate my life
when their hearts are lacking,
the strong will to strive.

Do they think I dance in the ring for fun
when I'm carving a future for my son?

I wish their prattle will cease
before they unleash the beast
and find my fist kissing their cheeks,
turning them into bleeding freaks.
,
I don't throw away a chance for victory.
I don't kiss anyone's ass.
I earned my dollars and pennies
I've shed my sweat
to be the best!

They are trapped in self -denial, ,
failing to name the poison
wrapping their hearts
in frustration and self-pity
and making them restless
when they witness
my achievements,
and feel like
worthless outcasts.

They cannot bear them
so they try to
undermine them
with cruel words.

but I didn't steal
the shiny belt I'm wearing
and I've worked hard for
the title I am carrying,

If only they can name the poison,
and seek self betterment
they'll find success in their own way.
and be freed from their mental prison
but jealousy can rob even the wisest man of his wits
and turn him into a hopeless dimwit!

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

so heart-felt is this poem. in editing, the first recommend would be to bring everything to present tense or a gerund. The internal logic depends on that consistency. Your pronoun references are sometimes confusing. enjoyed. g.m.

thank you for the visit and the feedback. I've done some edits and hope that this one sounds better.

Alid

author comment

when their own life are>>or may be
is
suits better
...... have an edit in shambles,

done the edits. What do you think?

Alid

author comment

This would be a good piece for Wesley's workshop.
Just the word CRUEL needs that "E" to make it real..
Take care a very good write here,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks, Ian. Dunno how I can missed that. The mind spells correctly but the fingers type wrongly.

Ald

author comment

You now have the monologue, for the introduction of the person sitting there as I have done.
Now we have to make it into a play by either sticking to the solitary person or bringing in others as a stage set to bear the brittle talk and temper of the one who is speaking here.
Picture as mine an old man beginning to rant at those who have mistreated him at sometime, now I can go two or more ways haven't thought about it yet, to go out and take revenge on the ones that have made me mad, or have them talk as they visit me one by one spilling my thoughts at them and hearing their answers.
We will see as each story set evolves, it will take at least another few scenes on the stage to show the outcome of the man sat there thinking, if you understand what I am driving toward for yours or mine..
Take care and good luck, Yours Ian.T
PS:- It will be interesting to se where we go from here, after you Alid, once I know which way you are going I will write my next scene, lol..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

You now have the monologue, for the introduction of the person sitting there as I have done.
Now we have to make it into a play by either sticking to the solitary person or bringing in others as a stage set to bear the brittle talk and temper of the one who is speaking here.
Picture as mine an old man beginning to rant at those who have mistreated him at sometime, now I can go two or more ways haven't thought about it yet, to go out and take revenge on the ones that have made me mad, or have them talk as they visit me one by one spilling my thoughts at them and hearing their answers.
We will see as each story set evolves, it will take at least another few scenes on the stage to show the outcome of the man sat there thinking, if you understand what I am driving toward for yours or mine..
Take care and good luck, Yours Ian.T
PS:- It will be interesting to se where we go from here, after you Alid, once I know which way you are going I will write my next scene, lol..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Good monologues as Part I of Wesley's Workshop. I will look forward to Part II which I learn would dwell on the drama.

Best wishes,

raj (sublime_ocean)

This is a good "poem". What I miss is a distinct character. This is the voice of the poet. Technically there are no flaws. It is a single voice speaking in the first person on a given subject (which by the way is a powerful one).
But there is no unique personality. It is Alid. If you read Loved's contribution you will notice she uses a language NEVER employed by her in any of her poems. It is a separate voice. Someone else other than the poet is speaking.
Without this separation of voices I fear you waste the form. The poem is good and certainly dramatic verse, but I would have liked to hear someone other than you speaking.
Does this make sense? I like the poem, but miss the "drama".

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I think I understand. You want me to write as a first person but with different character. This is where I will need some suggestions and help. Let me think about it first. If I really can't, then I'll ask for help.

Alid

author comment

'''......If you read Loved's contribution you will notice....
she?????
uses a language
NEVER employed by
her.... in any of.... her.... poems. ....

It is a separate voice. Someone else other than the poet is speaking.....''' remarkable no!..

an anonymous actor of poetry
can compose in any form
irrespective of gender..

Like HG WELLS
Hope U KNOW
who?

now take the cue
will Alid you
spring from the springboard of time
and let all feel and know
u alone have sprung
and now spring
dear alidzaan

as an after thought
has any one here read
MACBETH ?
I perhaps was then the apparition
if in rebirth
u r to believe in

some day all will

I loved it so much. I got all "A" if storytelling is to be like Macbeth I think with some meditation I'll get this storytelling, dramatic verse, first person in a voice not my own. This aged sponge I have for a brain is softening. .

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I re-produced the whole of Macbeth
they gave me laurels
that's how i became
a poet

That's wonderful. I had to understand and explain plot. Even Remeo and Juliet was I did well but Macbeth has more of a lasting affect on.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

You can do it! xxx :)

I would suggest assuming an identity that's a long way from your own then speak through the mouth belonging to it........stan BTW, I thought Wes was wanting rhyming poems?..........stan

This suggestion you gave Alid has made me more aware. Assuming a different identity. Sound easy enough but remains to be seen in me lol I will get this.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I think my problem here is assuming another's identity AND try to stay true to the theme. Any ideas?Really can't figure it out.

Alid

author comment

Rhyme or not. Hamlet is blank verse. All I want is poetry.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

that should make thing much easier for a lot of folks lol...stan

I've followed Wes's advice and tweaked the poem so that I am writing as a boxer. Tell me what you think?

Alid

author comment

I knew you could do it! :) xxxx

Sorry for being late to yours ( am I over apologizing these days?) :)
Reading this, I imagined myself in one of the WWWE's shows.
It is definitely not Khalid's voice. I am not sure what is Wesley going to say about it, but I believe it is never easy to talk someone's else's voice, no matter how close to him/her.

For me and you, being unable to use a non-formal dialect makes it yet a bit harder.
Well done here!!

Ps. Last line "turns"..."turn"?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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the last line "turns". T he way i see it, jealousy is a singular emotion and it can still turns people into dimwits. lol.

Alid

author comment

"jealousy can rob even the wisest man of his wits
and turns him into a hopeless dimwit!"

Jealousy CAN "rob"............and "turn"........

The presence of and tells you should keep the infinitive, No "S"
can rob and can turn, unless I am missing somehting.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I've done the edit.

Alid

author comment

Singular and not that of the poet.
I told you it was easier than you thought.
Excellent soliloquy.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Sorry to be late. Seems you have taken critique and made it into a soliloquy. Good job.

Scott

Thanks for the visit and comments.

Alid

author comment
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