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Point Omega

Point Omega
(to Don Delillo)

The mind sees through scaley eyes
gelatinous atoms inside are oozing
flinging electrons into others, lazily
rapid fireflies colliding.....sparks

consciousness is weary, grown sphinx-like, tired
The eternal experiment has failed again
it's designs fall to the will
of the pack
gold verticle eyes point the gene of destruction

consciousness itself has a consciousness
it has spun ancient and thin, it dreams of a collapsing universe
it pleads for rest out of time
implores to throw off matter
once again
to become
stones upon a molten field

Ron

BlueDemon77

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I just caught this one before I logged off ... I love it I will come back to this again and again there is so much layering each time you read you get somehing more from it

Jayne-Chloe ~

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I appreciate your kind words. I think it has potential but needs some fine tuning and a rewrite or two. Thanks for reading it!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Great content Sir ... I did feel some attention to
the music of the language might help, really just
some rearranging, but that is my first read of this.
Love the idea here !!!

Great title by the way.

Richard

Thanks much for reading this. I agree with your criticism about the music. I think it starts out musically but certainly takes a turn toward the prosaic after that. I think if I can find a way to make it more memorable music-wise, I'd really have something.

Thanks!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I agree, beady-eyed doesn't put across the meaning I intended. This certainly needs work. I love the concept, perhaps that is why the writing is so friggin' conscious. I'm going to have to detach myself from the meaning here so I can use craft to make it better. Thanks much for the read and the critique.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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