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A Poet's Trip to Perth, City of the Bogan

How well do I recall with pride that wonderful surprise,
A telegram to say I'd won Australia's greatest prize,
The Rupert Murdoch cup for poetry - what a beaut;
Return flights on Qantas, free motels, a rented Ute.

I sat on the silvery 'plane as it flew South to Perth
Which I’d heard was one of most bonza spots on Earth;
I introduced myself to the plump bird sitting next to me
Who was a lecturer in marsupial gynaecol-ogy.

His or her name, 'twas Raylene, so sexy and curvacious
And (after a bottle of wine or two) outrageously flirtatious;
I told Rayl all about my prize and, very much impressed;
Rayl mentioned she had never seen a poet undressed.

She said that, if we waited till the crew were fast asleep,
We could hop into the nearby bog and have a sneaky-peep.
Into each other’s underwear before we had a screw
(that's how I joined the Five Mile Club inside a Qantas loo).

Back in our seats we drank another quart of Dirty Red,
And Raylene said it would be nice to cop off in her bed;
It was at this stage that Raylene told me something choice:
She was a poet herself, and she declaimed this in her Aussie voice:

"There was a young fellow from Perth
Who shagged for all he was worth;
One day the poor chap
Caught a dose of the clap
And cursed the day of his birth."

On Redliffe’s sweaty tarmac, a welcome party stood a-waiting
Some of them were smiling just for me (had they been masturbating?);
Then a mighty fanfare heralded their lusty song
And I, the lovely Edna, Bard from Heaven, joined in and sang along:

[To the tune of “Advance Australia Fair!”]
O mighty Edna, we’re so proud
To welcome you to Perth!
We know you’ve not been here before,
The greatest spot on Earth;
You are our Poet Laureate,
And our new bonza mate,
All hail to Edna Sweetlove
The poetess of Mirth!

How the next days rushed by! I saw all the tourist sights
And thanks to Raylene’s lesbo friends, I spent some steamy nights
Involved in sordid sexual acts whose nature was disgraceful,
And in one of which plump Raylene got a well-deservéd faceful.

Once I’d got my poet’s prize from old Rupert’s deput-ty,
I began to feel a bit horny and indeed quite fruit-ty,
So Rayl and I toured the state as far as the Black Stump
And a whore in Kalgoorlie gave us a thrilling hump.

Both River Swan and Sunset Coast were really quite OK
(I mustn’t whinge like bloody Poms do every single bloody day)
But there’s one thing I must say as it’s really rather fun-ny
And that’s the fact that lots of folks round here retain their outside dun-ny.

We went to Yanchap National Park and we even saw a quokka
Which, let me tell you folks at home, looks like a silly f*cker;
But now I come to the sad part of my Australian adventures
So hold on to your hat and to your fag-stained dentures.

Raylene swam at Swanbourne Beach, ‘twas just for a lark
But O dear me - both her legs got chewed off by a shark;
And I never will forget her gross and noisy screaming
It comes back to me in my direst nightmare dreaming.

Before I left I thought I should visit in her hospice bed
But a phone call saved my journey: she was nearly nine-tenths dead;
So farewell Perth in Western Oz, O what a bonza place
To eat prawns from barbies and to get pissed off your face.

And as I took off from the airport, on board the Qantas ‘plane,
I heard with awe from cattle-class this touching old refrain,
The tearful Aussie travellers’ lament and heartfelt slogan,
As they left behind the lovely land of the sacred bogan:

[To the tune of "Take Me Back to Blighty"]
“Farewell, adieu to dear old Aussie
Aussie is the place we hate to leave
So screw you, you whinging Poms
With your white and skinny arms
Aussie is the land for you and me!"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
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Last few words: 
Here are some notes which may deepen your appreciation of this oeuvre: ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR! - the stirring and delightful Australian National Anthem. BARBIE - this does not refer to the doll, but is an abbreviation for 'barbeque', upon which Australia's national dish, the giant raw prawn, is cooked until rubbery and tasteless. BOGAN - an individual of poor tastes and bad dress sense, perhaps the Oz equivalent of the US "trailer trash" or the UK "working class yobbo" (aka Brexit supporter). BONZA (sometimes spelled Bonzer) - good, excellent, first class, super. CATTLE CLASS - Qantas' Economy Class where the plebs sit with their knees around their necks, and where 300 people have to share two toilets and one bar of soap; traditionally Qantas Economy Class passengers are insulted by the cabin staff at every opportunity. DIRTY RED - a delicious Australian wine of the very highest lethal quality with a kick like a mad kangaroo, also known as 'Chateau Legaupna', guaranteed to lower the defences of even the most virginal of sheilahs. DUNNY - a toilet hut situated picturesquely in a house's back garden in areas with no mains sewage - often covered with sweet-smelling sub-tropical flowers to hide the odours within in the weeks before the dunnymen come to collect its noisome contents. FAG - this has nothing to do with the obnoxious and insulting U.S. term 'faggot' - a fag is a cigarette in Australia - thus 'fag-stained dentures' means 'false teeth stained by tobacco smoke', a traditional Australian method of making oneself attractive to the opposite sex. FIVE MILE CLUB - membership of this elite club is restricted to those who have copulated in a commercial airliner at 26,500 feet or more above ground; it is strictly limited to heterosexuals as the club rules specify 'no pooftahs'; since Australian law does not recognise gay females, their status re entry is sub judice at the moment. KILGOORLIE - an old gold-mining town famed for its vibrant Red Light District. OZ - nothing to do with the bloody wizard thereof; Oz = Australia. POMS - an abbreviated form of 'Pommies', an affectionate term of respect which Australians use to refer to English people, often expanded to 'Pommy Bastards' when the deepest respect is implied. QANTAS - Australia's national airline, renowned for the butchness of its female cabin staff and the startling effeminacy of many of its male stewards; unusually for a commercial airline and thanks to union pressure, Qantas stewardesses are not obliged to retire when their looks have faded, thus some are ancient dogs of the most unattractive kind; all Qantas staff are trained to be intolerably rude to passengers in Cattle Class (q.v.), especially New Zealanders and also the famed Yellow Peril. QUOKKA - the Quokka (Setonix brachyurus), is a small marsupial about the size of a large cat - like other animals in the macropod family such as kangaroos and wallabies, it is herbivorous; since it is quite small it is not dangerous to humans; I am unaware if it is eaten by Australians, but it would fit easily onto a barbie (q.v.). RAYLENE - a particularly beautiful (although rare) Australian girl's name; sometimes spelled 'Rayleen'. RUPERT MURDOCH - an aged and immensely rich Australian media tycoon famed for his rightwing views and megalomaniac ruthlessness in business; his company owns The Sun and Times newspapers in the UK, Fox News in the USA, Sky TV worldwide and countless dozens of other media; there is no link between his wealth and power and the fact that his wife is young enough to be his grand-daughter. TAKE ME BACK TO BLIGHTY! - a WW1 soldier's song - Blighty refers to England - sadly millions of the soldiers who sang it never went back, having being slaughtered on the Western Front instead. THE BLACK STUMP - a mythical tree to be found on the outskirts of most Australian cities, delineating where the Outback begins. UTE - short for 'Utility truck' - a small truck or lorry with an open back, suitable for transporting dead kangaroos after dazzling them with your headlights on a country road and then running them down; roo flesh is much prized for mincing and making into 'floaters', delicious meat pies served with floury and oh so appetising brown gravy which are sold from converted campervans to discerning Australian gourmets, and which go down a treat on a hot summer's day. . Love from Edna .
Editing stage: 

Comments

A sociological lesson, to be sure! The only reference I had trouble with; is the [bog] you were to hop into for a peep into the other's undies. I will assume that you meant the loo on the plane? ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Bog = loo, toilet, WC, shitter, shithouse, crapper, dunny, place of easance, scheisshaus, klo, klosett, etc.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

witty and clever. enjoyed it very much. great rhythm too

Rhythm is always a good point.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

and you have it in spades. Is it natural or did you learn it? Do you think you could teach it in a workshop? How about critique?
Love your work but " f*cker"? Come now, it's hardly the time to be coy about language.
I'm a true blue Aussie from New Zealand so I've got the outsider perspective so I can criticize. I jumped for joy when Whitlam got elected, our greatest ever, made us civilized with free education, health, aboriginal land rights and feminist issues and a swimming pool in every suburb (?). Since then it's been downhill relieved by Hawke and Keating and we've landed in the shit with insane pentecostal Scummo.
Get in touch next time Murdoch 'Aussie of all Evil' favours you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Do you lot really follow the 'mercan spelling of metre"? I know you can't spell "labor" but this is ridiculous.
I hear that Sydney, not content with having bushfire smoke skies intends to blow off a load of proletarian fireworks to add to the smog. Well done! You can't keep that convict spirit down!
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

Check it out. The measure of length is metre. We do not follow 'mercan spelling. I've never understood why the Labor party chose that spelling. Workers labour. We like bright colours.

Haven't you got better things to get contentious about Edna? Especially when you are wrong.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Much as I love them, even without bushfires I see schools and hospitals going up in smoke.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)

I never get contentious especially when I'm right!

PS you will need to paste the entire link above (including the "_(poetry)" bit) before it works.

OR:
https://poetryarchive.org/glossary/metre/.

OR:
https://www.britannica.com/art/metre-prosody
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment

Like I said, haven't you got more important things to be contentious about?
Eg the 95 words you wasted on this drivel could have been spent on valuable feedback on someone's poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

...why suggest "metre" is wrong?
...why waste another 45 words when they could have been spent on valuable feedback?

And anyway, I find most people object to genuine feedback. I happen to welcome it, but then I am kinky that way.
Happy New Year!
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

author comment
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