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POETS (Sunku)

Cry not
for old men
who took pen in hand

their lot
indeed, sin
is to enrich the land

bones rot
beneath fen
time is a quick sand

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I will look at this again once you tweak it up. I notice syllable counts exceeding the norm in the current version.

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

an idea to let this poem conform to the parameters, [although we have been told that it isn't a strict form], but one that can morph to the author's need.
1] get rid of the [is] in the line: is to enrich the land.
2] eliminate either the [is] again or the [a] in the last line.

None of the eliminations will actually change the meaning of the poem.
There is no word or letter to get rid of in the first stanza that will make it conform, so either accept it or rewrite the line. I think that it is fine the way that it is. ~ Geezer.
.

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IRiz

The rhyme and rhythm make it ring.
It sounds like a wordless pray.
It reminds me the rhythm of merciless marching minutes, an army of time.

Could you, please, explain me the second stanza?
Is it a sin to die without a pen in hand, without trying?

IRiz

Love the flow. I get more style understanding from your work as usual

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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