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Poetess

Hidden behind the angels’ veneer
Runs a tortured mind deep inside
Curses, spells and evil deeds
Twist and swirl in a darkness redesigned

Masked beneath the angel’s smile
Seeps anger, poison and bile
Words sharpened to penetrate
Weighted to desecrate

She can’t hold it back
She can’t fight it anymore
Every word turns from the light into black

She wants to write and become a poetess
Expressing words of beauty and finesse
To share feelings of love and romance
and lose the words that can only serve to depress

She wants to write and become a poetess
Expressing words of grace and finesse
To paint images with shades of colour
And find a way to keep her demons suppressed

She can’t hold it back
She can’t take it anymore
Every word of innocence becomes attack

Cloaked behind the angels’ face
Boils a sinister corrupted brain
Evil deeds, curses and spells
Grind and bind in a torment of pain

Concealed beneath the angel’s smile
Seeps poison, anger and bile
Words sharpened to penetrate
Weighted to desecrate

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Edited to create a lyrical structure.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

it is so very nice to meet you! welcome to Neopoet where we share our poetry with other like-minded folks. I loved your poem, it is spectacular. you are a wordsmith of the first order! I want to read more of your work, yes, I am greedy, lol. this is a finely crafted piece of work, to say the least. the poetess, from her description, I think I know her. keep writing!!!

my favorite lines are:
She can’t hold it back
She can’t fight it anymore
Every word turns from the light into black
She can’t hold it back
She can’t take it anymore
Every word of innocence becomes attack

*hugs, Cat

*

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Dear Cat,

thank you for being the first to comment on my work.

I appreciate your comment & look forward to reading you & commenting accordingly. I hope to find some Eddy Styx on my journey.

Regards

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

the last evil woman that 'Killer' dated! Wow, this could be a song, all it needs is a chorus. I like the staggered rhyme and the flow is great. Your theme is good and flows well from beginning to end. Welcome to Neo. I hope that you find a niche here and enjoy the company and comradery. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Gee,

thanks for reading & commenting & for being my guide.

It can be altered quite easily to become a lyric with some changing of the positions of the verses.

How does this read:

Hidden behind the angels’ veneer
Runs a tortured mind deep inside
Curses, spells and evil deeds
Twist and swirl in a darkness redesigned

Masked beneath the angel’s smile
Seeps anger, poison and bile
Words sharpened to penetrate
Weighted to desecrate

She can’t hold it back
She can’t fight it anymore
Every word turns from the light into black

She wants to write and become a poetess
Expressing words of beauty and finesse
To share feelings of love and romance
and lose the words that can only serve to depress

She wants to write and become a poetess
Expressing words of grace and finesse
To paint images with shades of colour
And find a way to keep her demons suppressed

She can’t hold it back
She can’t take it anymore
Every word of innocence becomes attack

Cloaked behind the angels’ face
Boils a sinister corrupted brain
Evil deeds, curses and spells
Grind and bind in a torment of pain

Concealed beneath the angel’s smile
Seeps poison, anger and bile
Words sharpened to penetrate
Weighted to desecrate

------------------

Anyway, appreciate the welcome & comment,

regards

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

that I didn't respond to your question of how it looks now! I think it is great! Much smoother. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Gee,

I have now changed it & am much happier with this version.

regards

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

Mark,

really appreciate you taking time out to read & comment on my first posting.

I shall be spending the weekend reading others poets' work & commenting.

Thanks for the welcome,

regards

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

to the asylum. This has the repetition of a song almost. And I expect everybody has their own demons they try to keep hidden away. I don't critique anybody's first submission but this was an enjoyable dip into the dark side.

You know me, you can critique any of my work no matter if it's the first or 100th!!

Thanks for the welcome to the asylum...I assume they never let us out!!

Regards

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

Your piece is a good read. i do think your revision in response to Gee is better.

Please continue to post your work here. I personally would like to know more about you on your author's page.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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..

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"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

Indeed your ink bleeds! I love your creative energy.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

I very much appreciate your words. Thanks for taking time to read & comment,

regards

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment
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