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PLAYMATES
Birds sing in the morning
More than some other times
To welcome a new day
They sing the glorious dawn
Joyful morning music
Some sat atop foliage
With pointed eyes gazing
At distant horizon
As if to see through time
What nebulous future may bring
Yet unperturbed by it
A bird on line rested
Poised in clear submission
The chum keenly clamber
Through numerous rounds
Emptied the runny rear
Pecked her head for support
Twisted tail in pleasure
Allow free fluid diffusion
Unceasing ejaculations
Donating incalculable gift
For the world without end
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
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Comments
BlueDemon77
Thu, 2012-08-23 03:34
I see your images and enjoy them much
The problem I have with this piece is that it seems content to skim across the surface. I mean this as no disrespect and I take my own aesthetic out of it completely. As it stands it's a pretty picture and it feels very descriptive, I just wish you'd have dived a time or two to show me below the surface.
Respect,
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
t. reflexion
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:31
A passing moment...
it was a momentary peep through the window to the worshiping birds as they sang joyously and what came as an after thought is reflected on the follow up in Playmates II. Thank you for the comments and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentt. reflexion
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:35
As with the Playmates,,,
thank you for your comments and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:22
Disagree with Ron
profound themes, bravely expressed.
But most of all your poetry is sounding like poetry. You have worked harder at improving your craft than anyone I have met on Neopoet.
Kudos to you man. I am proud to know you. If I was not poor I would be honoured to come to your country and meet you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
t. reflexion
Sat, 2012-08-25 22:48
Material limitation does not imply poverty...
You are not poor, the riches you share to people can not be quantified. I am a beneficiary of your wealth of knowledge, not only in poetry, but in some other ways. Though we live far apart, the spiritual connection has collapsed all material barriers. Thank you for being there, I hope, one day, we will reap from the bounties of Cosmic benevolence. Thank you and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
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