Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Planting Bulbs in Autumn

Sitting in cold dark dirt
hands hurting in the cold
and black with digging
I asked myself was I too old
for this...

...Yet even as the question came
my thoughts turned to an answer,
of golden flowers
nodding in the warming sun,
with spikes of color
rising up to
waft a sweetness
gently on spring air,
and my woman's smile
as she's returning
home from work,
seeing her new garden
awakening from winter slumber...

and as first snow
began to softly fall,
I continued planting.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

What a delightful poem!
i was not attracted by the title, it sounds prosaic.
after i read the poem the title started to make sense

language is simple and brilliant
the cadence conveys and fits the content
logic is perfectly consistent and clear

i have a tiny question about the structure of your sentence:

and my woman's smile,
returning home from work,
seeing her new garden
awakening from winter slumber.

looks like it is smile that returns

have you considered

and my smiling(or darling maybe) woman,
returning home from work,
seeing her new garden
awakening from winter slumber.

Theoretically you don't have to say she smiles,
it implies that she would enjoy seeing the flowers.

IRiz

Oh I see your correction. Sounds better.

IRiz

Yes, it did read a bit strangely, lol.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

The pleasure is mine.
Don't be a stranger.
We plan to start promoting Neopoet by social media a little more actively.
May I post your poem with a photo of a daffodil?

IRiz

I really have been away for awhile...because you don't have to ask me that!
Of course you can.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Thank you

IRiz

I agree with Riz that this is a lovely poem of sacrifice for future gain. But me being me I have 2 ideas to run past you. First line : try cold dark dirt. adds alliteration and explains black hand later on.Stanza 2 line 2 : change an to the. After all this poem posits only one answer. But even if you decide neither of these ideas work I still like this........stan

Yeah I like the aliteration; added it.
I had 'the', lol. Changed to 'an' for...aliteration!
Thanks man, always good to get suggestions from you.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

It's real. Just finishing the digging when the snow started lol.
You know, I thought about soil...but I like dirt because it is abrupt and somewhat negative in connotation, which fit my mood at that time, so I think I will keep it.
Glad you enjoyed it.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Agree this poem grips and holds to an ending that clearly proves, that the sacrifice was never just for selfish gain. Very good. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Glad you enjoyed this...the first I've written in quite awhile.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Glad you enjoyed this...the first I've written in quite awhile.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

Agree this poem grips and holds to an ending that clearly proves, that the sacrifice was never just for selfish gain. Very good. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

the poem is engaging with vivid imagery and mood...good to see you posting again...
.........................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

After reading some of your poetry, I got the creative juices flowing again!

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

author comment

posting again. This is a good Thanksgiving piece. It gives some measure of thanks for a home, a garden and a woman who works too? What more could you ask for? Thanks for sharing. ~ Gee.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.