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Pirates' End (Exploration WS Sonnet)

Across the seven seas he sailed to seek
the greatest treasures that a man can find
and here he laughed and dined with men who reek
of greed within their hearts that made them blind.

The pirate king was trapped among his crew
who wished him ill and stripped him of his loot
they longed for him to die, of that he knew
so he made plans to give them all the boot

He paid a serving girl to seal their fate
and then he seemed to be in jolly mood
but in the end he felt the sting of hate
for she betrayed him with his poisoned food

The pirate king and all his crew are dead
and all the fear they spawned have ceased to spread

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
It's not good, I know. I've been struggling with this one. Please help me make it better. Alid
Editing stage: 

Comments

Kudos for your efforts. I know too little about this form but I liked the theme

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

thanks for the visit and comment.

Alid

author comment

interesting tale of betrayal. I'm pretty bad at writing sonnets but i think your rhyming couplet at the end doesn't rhyme unless you are from the hill country of Dixie . .......stan

any suggestions?I'm out of ideas and the pain is stopping me from focusing.

Alid

author comment

A good tale. I bet sir Wesley will like it.
I have stumbled over the meter in mainly two places ( a quick read)
Line 2 in Stanza 1 and
Line 2 in Stanza 2

You also need to give more attention to the verb tense. Seems like you're sacrificing grammar to maintain the rythm.

In Stanza 3 "them" and "damned" don't rhyme. I can't suggest as you have a story told. And the same can be said about the endings of the couplet "dead" and "fade" which should be [faded]

and
Isn't "table" your subject? I couldn't feel much of it. Probably me only.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Its a feast so the poisoned food and drink are on the table. I'm not sure if this is okay. I thought of expanding it to what's ON the table instead of just the furniture. I have other ideas for the subject as I refused to limit it to furniture. I've thought about doing one on science test which involved the periodic table.Its about a student who are not in the mood because the test falls on his birthday. the test involved filling up the blanks in the periodic table and someone forgets to hide the existing one on the wall so he copied it. Then the second idea is a tea ceremony where there two rival families have been gathered by the feudal lord who wished to end their rivalry. He sends his men to kill the assassins they have hired to kill the hads of the families and laid them on the table with a warning that he will not tolerate their enmity and he suggested a marriage to unite them. An interesting aspect is the culture of the japanese which involved the performance for the occcasssion. I left you to check on them if you wished.

author comment

the third idea is about the price of betrayal where a son killed his rich father to obtained his wealth quickly and he learrnt that the old man has hidden his most precious treasure for his younger son and the clue is on the table which roughly showed a map. Mistaking that the clue in the drawer, the son opened it and was pricked by a poison needle. the fourth idea is about a girl caught in between her parents' divorce. She don't want to choose between them, so she chose to stay with her grandma who helped to draw the timetable for her to spend between her parents as a way to cope with the situation.

author comment

for all my ideas I can't write them in sonnet form, so I settled with this.

Alid

author comment

You can do them any time. This workshop is another chance and an eye opener to know what's right and what's wrong.
I really like your sonnet.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I agree with what Rula mentioned, you are sacrificing grammar to hit meter and rhyme. It's disconcerting to read.

Take a deep breath, and slow down. Don't be afraid to completely rewrite a line or two and, as Rula pointed out, make a clearer indication of your subject.

Good first effort, now don't be shy about editing.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

The verse 'for greed and envy that the years have bind', still needs work imo

Can I suggest, for fixing the rhyme of the couplet - 'and all the fear they spawned has ceased to spread'?

But I have one question - I thought your subject was 'table'.... I really am not left with the thought of a table - this subject reads to me to be of betrayal.... apart from the allusion to dining and food, a table doesn't seem to come into the write at any time.... obviously Jonathon has approved the subject, but I really don't see it myself...

I also don't see a particularly clear volta - but that might just be me.....
I enjoyed this write Aliid
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

put it this way.The betrayal that led to their deaths revolved around the table where they had their feast. The poisoned food and drink on that table sealed their fate.
Now the volta, let me say I'm no expert in sonnet but this is how I see it. The first stanza 'talks' about the leader of the pirates and the second stanza 'talks' about his problem and tells abit about his crew but the whole picture is that they are all pirates who attained their ill gains from piracy. They themselves are the problem because they are like parasites to other people.

the 3rd stanza, the pirate king tried to save himself and his treasures by using the serving girl who hated all the pirates equally . Yes she get rid of the men but she refused to let him live as well so she killed him too.

Thank you for your suggestion. The truth is I don't know how to edit it.

Alid

author comment

There are some tense problems here.
This is one example. Look for others. You decided with "is" that you were in the present tense, then switched to past tense with "wished" and "stripped".

The pirate king (is) trapped among his crew
who wish(ed) him ill and strip(ped) him of his loot
they longed for him to die, of that he knew
so he made plans to give them all the boot

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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